"Trust me, it's locked."

As I have come to know, most people do not like looking like an idiot. How do I know this? They tell me so. But still, I oft times wonder why people do things that make them look like an idiot. So like some of my past posts, I have more quality advice to keep you from looking stupid.
Next time you are walking up to a door...say it's a High School Gym...or a Church house, and someone says to you, "the door is locked." Don't be a dummy and try it anyway. Has someone ever said that to you and you went on to find the door was not locked? No. Did you feel like an idiot after they had told you it was locked and you still tugged on the locked door? Yes. so save yourself from the embarrassment that surely follows and take their word for it.
See, most people in this World, whether you want to believe me or not, are very caring and look out for other humans. Trust in people. * I am not saying that you should believe extraordinary claims with out extraordinary evidence. Always keep your skeptical eye open then. But when it comes to something as simple as letting you know you need to look for another way in since the door you're headed for is locked, trust them friend.
Now that is some good advice!

COMMENTS?

Bluetooth Blunder.

" Hey Daryl, can you hear me? This is Ron. I am in idiot!"

Tired of looking like an idiot when you are walking around with your silly Bluetooth ear piece in your ear? Well, have I got some good, nay, Great advice for you. Take it out! You look like an idiot when you walk around the store with it in your ear when it is clear that you are not talking to anyone.

It's 2008, we ALL have cell phones. You don't look cool. You look like a moron.

Look, I don't mean to come down hard on you like this...really, I don't. But I would not be doing my job of offering great advice if I didn't tell you that it's not cool to wear a Bluetooth ear piece when you are not using it. I understand that it is a pretty helpful tool...when someone is on the other line. But when the line is dead, it turns you into a moron.

Even if you are talking to someone, and you're not driving or doing something that leaves your hands too occupied to hold anything, use your phone. You look crazy talking to your self as you walk up and down the isles of your local super market. Just hold your little, light weight phone in your hands so the rest of us know you are not talking to us when you pass and say something stupid like: "Yeah, I'd keep walking too if my back side was that big."

Once you get over you Bluetooth ear mess, we can move on to better things that make you look cool. Like, "Do I tuck it in, or let it all hang out: Shirts, and the standard of tucking."

"Hey, not only do I have really crappy looking 'chops' I have my Bluetooth ear piece in and I aint talkin' to no one."

Going in for the kiss!

What is the best way to set up a kiss?

Jake-Kaysville UT

I would say with another person, who you like, and likes you back. Then I would make sure that they are facing you so you don't kiss them in the back of the head. If you are just trying to kiss them on the hand, I would make sure you are facing his or her hand. I would make sure, prior to moving in or the hand kiss, that their hand is not covered in dirt, or even worse, dog or baby poop. That will make for a kiss that will leave you gagging every time you think about it after that.
Next, I would pucker your, hopefully ,soft, moist, lips too. It makes more a better kissing experience.
Setting up a kiss is nothing more than being with someone you really like, and likes you back. The mood is right. Your hearts are both pounding wildly as if to beg you to move in for the kill. You slide in closer. You lips are puckered in a puckering fashion. Your eyes will soon close, and WHAMO!!! You've got lip lock baby! If you think about it too much you are bound to make it awkward. Just let it ride my friend.
It's about being together more than anything. You'll see the signs. If she looks at your lips, you know she is eyeing down the prize. If she is looking up at you , you can take that sign to the bank. If you slowly move it, and her head turns away a bit, or her chin gets lowered...ABORT MISSION SOLDIER! Test out the water, make sure she wants to kiss you. Looks for the subtle signs. The looking in the eyes, licking of the lips, chap sticking of the kisser, the moving closer of the face. You'll know.
But remember, if she isn't giving you the signs, I suggest you slow it down a bit son. There is no use planting a kiss prematurely. It will just lead to not kissing those lips again any time soon.
Treat your ladies with respect, and you will find that your lips will be much more productive. Treat your ladies right son, and your lips will thank you. Don't rush, push, or shove it. Make sure she knows that she is what you care about, and the kiss is just a way to show that. If you make her feel like it's all about the kiss, you may as well have a cold sore. TREAT THE LADIES WELL!!! Not only do the deserve that, but you will also find you will have a lot more success in the smooching department.
Now get out there and start kissing!

Hotel legalities.

Brad,Let us pretend that we are staying in a hotel, and looking for something legal and fun to do. Do you have any ideas?



Jrit and Bess! - Kaysville, UT

There are lots of legal, and fun things you can do. None of which include, running a gambling operation, stealing valuable art, throwing televisions out of the window, or brewing your own beer in the tub.
Did you think about bringing a game of Scrabble? This will lead to hours of fun just "Scrabbling" and laughing with your friends. If you really feel like getting crazy, get a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew. I suggest avoiding the Caffeine Free version, as fun it is not. Pretty soon you may find yourself making "shadow puppets" on the wall.
Did you come to this hotel with people who are actually fun? If so, you are off to a good start. If not, well, you should have asked for advice like: "I am going to hotel, should I bring someone who is fun?"
Some of the things that I have done that were the most fun were quite simple...and legal. It's not so much what you do, but how you do it. It is why Corbin "Thorbin" Talley and I have so much fun. In fact, one night in Boise, we found our selves in an all out "Bed war", sliding the bed in front of the bathroom door in hopes one would trip, taking ALL of the bedding off of the bed, taking the mattress and box spring off as well.
If you knew my brother's you will know that if we aren't having fun somewhere, we aren't there at all. Because if we are somewhere, we are having fun... and very few things have ever involved sitting in a Police Cruiser at 3:30 AM, giving fake names, and acting like you are just as confused as the officer is.
Open your mind, and just have fun. Just keep in mind, that other people who paid to stay in the hotel may not think your fun is all that fun. You'll have more fun if you don't tick them off.
In closing, I don't have anything specific for you. It changes with who you are with. You don't need to plan having fun. It's always time to have fun!

Paper or Plastic?

Brad
At the local grocery store the other day I was posed a question that caused severe inner turmoil. Maybe you can help? I had just finished purchasing some various food items, as well as some feminine hygiene products for my wife. Upon paying for the items the checkout girl posed this question; "Paper or plastic, sir?" What was I to do? I want to help the environment by reducing my petroleum based product consumption but yet I'm terribly frightened of brown paper bags ever since the "flaming bag of poop" incident. Should I conquer my fear and protect Mother Earth or give in to my fears and go with plastic? Any advice would be appreciated wise one.


Sincerely,



Confused in Bakersfield

Oh the memories. who hasn't opened there door to find a paper bag in fire, only to stomp it out to find your once white loafers, are now just loafers.
But your fear needs to be beat. Plastic bags are not only littering our land fills, it takes too long for a plastic bag to break down. Not only that, in Los Angeles, they spend 8 Million dollars annually just cleaning them up. They are on power lines, alleys, you name it. Is that really where you want your tax money going?
But then again, do you really want paper? Bot really take up so much energy to create, let alone resources. Why don't you just buy a reusable bag?
But don't let me get on a high horse, that I don't even have. I do not use reusable bags. Should I? Yes. But, sad to say, as wonderful as I am, I'm just like everyone else..just more wonderful..and have great advice to boot. I typically get plastic as I use them for lots of other things. If I am going some where, and I may run, I put my clothes in a plastic bag. We take them on walks with our dog, so we can clean up after him. With most plastic bags not the best for lighting, it also takes away the temptation of leaving it afire, on your porch.
So this is where we all need to make a decision. Do we want to be a part of the problem? Will we choose the easiest way, thinking other people will make the right decision? Or will we be the one's to start? We don't have to do much to help. Recycle the things that are worth recycling. (That is Aluminum, metals and glass.) Turn your lights off when you are not in the room. A little will go a long way. And if you do these things you can still have your occasional paper bag to fill with Fido's "Loofer" to light on your neighbors lawn. We can't complain about Foreign oil if we're not doing our part. Save a gallon, become a runner.

Sock Purgatory.

Dear Brad, Every time I do my wash at least one of my socks go missing. Now I have a bunch of unmatching socks. How does this happen, is the "Legend of the Washing Machine Beast who Eats Socks" true?



Emily - Kaysville, UT

Emily, I fear you are not alone in this. I can not begin to tell you how many times I have lost just one sock. There are a few things we can do.
Number one: don't wash your socks any more. This will alleviate any losing of one sock. This will keep the "Washing machine Beast" un-fed, and possibly looking for a new residence to set up shop. But, this may have sour, nay, stinky consequences on your dating life. It may even have stinky consequences with your Non-dating life. It's just like Abraham Lincoln once said while buried neck deep in the Civil War. "No man who doth not wash his socks can win a war. His feet will be too dang smelly to sneak up on the Confederates." He had a point.
Your next option is to find a stream and wash them by hand. This will keep you away from the washing machine beast, and your socks will be clean...sort of. You may go for this option, but, well, this too may have grave consequences on your dating life as you will spend more time at the stream that will that lucky boy, with the great hair, chiseled body, and full lips.
My last piece of advice is to tie your socks together. Yep, in a knot. Or you can even get a mesh bag that you put all of your sock sin and put the whole bag in the washing machine. When my Dad had a locker up in the Weber state Track locker room that is how he did it. He had his bag that he gave the nice fellow washing stuff and his stuff would come back clean, and all there...even his socks.
Good luck with your washing. I am sure you will have two pairs of socks in no time.

Road Running Rage!

Hey Brad, I haven't been able to run for quite some time, and things are getting weird. There are periods of time that I just can't remember what happened and its scaring me! Also whenever I see someone running by on the street I sometimes turn green and get huge muscles and start smashing buildings (The huge muscles part isn't so bad, but the uncontrollable rage is). What should I do about this? Please help me!



-Cody ,Kaysville UT

I feel your pain Cody! Being injured is one of the worst things I can think of. It is only behind being killed, having my teeth pulled out, having my head smashed beneath a 453 pound boulder, having my tongue pulled out by a squirrel, eating squash, or falling off of a cliff, on my list of crappy things.
You need to embrace the change you go through when you see people run. Smashing buildings is pretty cool. I bet the chicks die for it.
Once you have embraced it, channel it into good energy. Use that same rage on an exercise bike as you X-train yourself back to health. Use that anger to propel you on a bike that will lead to your recovery. Those things will get you back on to the road in no time.
You can be frustrated about your injury and watch other's run. Or you can do something about it, and hit the gym for some X-training. You will still turn green from time to time, but at least you are working on getting back on your feet and running.
If you're not doing anything to get running again, this rage is just a waste of time.

Now go get 'em Hulk!

What makes a great runner?

Brad,
My question is very simple. What makes a good runner GREAT?

Logan, Kaysville, UT

This is actually a pretty easy answer. First of all, if you are a good runner, you probably already have genetics on your side. Unfortunately you can't coach genetics. You've either got fast genes, or you don't. It would be much easier if we were talking about jeans, instead of genes, as you would be able to go to "Fast Levi's for everyday people" and get yourself some fast jeans.
Hopefully your parents,when they fell in love, just happened to have those genes that are meant for out running wolves. And then when they gave each other that "special hug", they passed those genes on to you. But this is the easy part, as long as you got the proper genes. You can't do anything about this.
The second part you have control over. You have to do the work. You have to put in the miles. You have to out run the wolves, if you will. I have NEVER met a GREAT runner who did not put in the work. I have never met a GREAT runner who didn't do their long runs. There isn't a great runner on this earth that didn't pay the price on the track during intervals.
To be a great runner it needs to go from running being an activity, to running being what you base your day around. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating enough food. Are you guzzling enough water? For GREAT runners, running is a priority. Now don't get me wrong, it's not everything. Life needs to be well balanced. This will help your running. You always have to leave yourself time for running down the ladies. Distance running is lonely enough as it is. With out the ladies, it's just plain nutty.
Running isn't a game, like most other sports. It's a chance for you to push yourself. A chance for you to see what you are really made of. It's a chance for you to push yourself further than you ever thought possible, only to push yourself further the next time. It teaches you how to deal with what life throws at you. Once you've run a race as hard as you can, pushing through the pain, and never giving up, there is nothing you can't get through in any other aspect of your life. Learning to run harder when you feel like slowing down is where you earn the real reward.
Another aspect of becoming a great runner is KNOWING you are a GREAT runner. I can promise you no one has ever won a Gold Medal without thinking they could do it. "How do you get this confidence?" You might ask. Did you read the last paragraph of am I writing this to myself? The only way to gain confidence is to put in the work. With out the HARD WORK, you can do all of the mental preparation you want and you'll still look like worn out t-shirt as you race on down the road. I'm sure you've heard the phrase: "The will to win isn't worth a nickel unless you have the will to prepare."
To put it simply, the race is won during the training, long before it is won in a meet. Once you have gotten your body into the best shape it can be in, only then can you hope to become great. It is not rocket science by any means. 1 + 1 =2
Once the work is done, you then can start hoping for everything to come together on race day. Know that even after all of the work, sometimes it won't come together. Some days you just don't have it. Sometimes it too hot, or you injure yourself. You may even come up with a case of the "Oopsy Poopsy's" race morning. That's just the beast of the sport. But realize if you have done the work, there will be more days when everything works out perfectly. You will race your hardest and run faster than you ever imagined. You will feel your hard work paying off. Without putting in the work, these days will never happen. Without the work, you'll NEVER see those days.
The ability to be GREAT is in your hands. Are you going to hit the roads the days you'd rather be watching "Saved by the Bell"? Are you going to push those days on the track when your lungs feel like they are about the burst? Are you going to pull yourself out of bed those dark mornings to meet up with the team for a morning run? Are you going to run down the person in front of you even when the race is not on the line? Are you going to kick to the finish even when no one is watching, and you aren't going to change your position anyway? Are you going to get to bed early when you have a hard workout, or race the next day? Are you going to believe in your hard work? Are you going to push out those thoughts of doubt? Are you going to bow to the pressure or rise to the occasion?
You can do it Logan. You have the drive and ability. You have great coaches who can help you with race strategy, and great work outs. The rest is up to you. Get out and put in the work, and the rest is just details. If you don't train like you are the best runner out there, you never will be.

Help me help you!

Every one needs help...well except for me. Wait, I take that back. I need help helping you. If you don't send me your problems I can't help you. And if I don't help you there is a pretty good chance your life will fall apart. And no blame can be put on me because of your lack of asking for help.
Hey, you trust me right? You know I know what's best for you. so why do you push me away like you do? That is a sign of someone who really needs my help. So come on, throw that question. "Should I put on Ketchup or Mustard first?" "Do I rub his feet even though he has athletes foot?" "Should I hang up that poster of the new "90210" cast or not?"
Come on people, this is your chance to not let your life go all to crap.

Official "Don't be an idiot day"!

I was informed that today, October 24th is the official "Don't be an idiot day". an din keeping with the spirit of not being an idiot, I will give a few suggestions to not be an idiot.

Don't touch a pan with your finger to see if it is hot. That would be an idiotic thing to do. Use an ice cube dummy.
When you are frustrated with yourself for being an idiot, don't do another stupid thing like hitting yourself in the head while saying "I'm an idiot." People around you already know you are an idiot, but hitting your head just leaves you open to hurting yourself even more.
Do not use you bare arm as a landing perch for a bird of prey. It might look cool to any one observing, but for you it will hurt like no other. Don't be dumb.
Look both ways before you cross the street. If you're not an idiot, this does not apply. If you are asking yourself"Why?", then email me and I'll explain.
Remember: DON"T BE AN IDIOT!

Ready to race.

Hey Brad,



So I am going to be running my first 10k in about 3 weeks in San Antonio for Division II South Central Regionals. Do you have any advice for me, like eating and how to get ready mentally? Hook a brother up!-



Tyson Portales, NM/Morgan


Thank you for your question Tyson. Running is very near and dear to my heart. My best advice would be :"Run faster than everyone else." That is a sure way to secure a victory. Get out fast, look around you, identify the leader and stay in front of them. If you can keep the rest of the runners behind you, I am pretty confident you will win the race.
But if that is not the advice you are looking for here are a few other suggestions. First of all; don't sweat it. I know you have been training hard, and hitting your long runs. If you have done all of this, you will be just fine. There isn't a whole lot you can do after you have put in the work. That is one of the great things about running.
With it being a 10K, you need to later your pace just a little. Just don't get caught up running too slowly. If you've done your long runs you will handle the longer distance just fine. Focus on every 2 miles instead of every mile. This will keep you from focusing on the longer distance.
As far as eating, eat what you have been eating. It's no time to invent a new morning breakfast, that could leave you running to the Port-o-John instead of the finish line. Don't load of on a ton of food the night before, but make sure you get your fuel. food is your friend when you are running.
Now that you have done the work, and eaten the right food, all you need to do is the mental aspect. What is your goal. That is what you need to know. If you have no goal, it is hard to run your best. What are you trying to do? Is there a certain time? A certain place? What? Identify that and make a race plan. what are your strengths? Where can you shave off some time. Do you get out too slowly? Do you slow down in the middle of the race? Find where you can shave some time off and focus on that. If you do slow down in the middle mile or miles, focus on them. When you hit the 2 mile mark, think to yourself: "I really need to focus the next 2 or 3 miles. They are easy miles to to pick up some unwanted seconds. Runners often get in a rut during the middle mile or miles of races. Being aware of that and trying to keep out of that rut will keep you on the right track. when I run a 5K, I just try to stay steady the first mile. It's the second mile that I try to start moving up. The first and last mile usually take car of themselves. I try to keep from getting out too fast. And the last mile I'm just trying to get to the finish as quickly as possible.
So what I am saying is: Know what you are trying to accomplish, and know how you can give yourself the best opportunity to do that. Think through a few race scenarios. What if they get out really fast? What if I'm still in a pack with 800 meters to go. What if I break away? Know what you will do.
My lats piece of advice is decide where you are going to kick, and KICK there. I suggest picking somewhere that has a visual reminder. (ie, a telephone pole, a garbage ca, a side walk, etc.) Tell yourself that is the latest you will kick, NO MATTER WHAT. When you are tired you will wait until the last minute to kick. Have your body ready to kick then, no matter who tired you are. Your brain will help you out if you have decided you will do it.
In closing, remember you have done the work, so you don't have a lot to worry about. You have done everything you can control. You can't control the other stuff, so don't worry about them. You have put yourself in the best position to succeed. Find confidence in that. Everything else is just details.
Good luck pal! Let me know how you do.

NEW ADVICE COMING SOON!

Stay tuned! New advice is on the way!

Skorts or No Skorts?

Hey Brad,
So I've been seeing a lot about running skirts lately and wondering if I should get one. I don't know what to think about them. Some people say they are really comfy and "flirty" and others say they aren't for the sport and a pain. I don't like skirts, but I don't like running just in my spandex. What do you think?

Mari, Kaysville


Well, I would never wear one. They are pretty feminine. I just don't think I could pull it off. In the Winter I will wear half tights. (Spandex), but I'm not so sure I could pull the whole, Skort thing off. say all you want about comfort, but I think I would be too self conscience to wear one.
As for you, well, it's your choice. I know several people who want one. Word on the street is that they are comfortable. I guess they don't ride up. So if that is an problem, get a pair.
You can always get a pair, and see what you think. If you don't like it, be glad you only bought one pair. If you do like it, be even more happy that you tried it.
I'm still into traditional running shorts. But that's what I am used to people wearing. But remember, people used to be go over the High Jump bar front wards. Now that has all changed, and you would think it was funny if someone didn't go over backwards. It's not about what other people think.
I still wear the short, split side running shorts. Why? Because I am awesome, and it is what awesome people do. And because they are by far the most comfortable, as far as I am concerned.
So take the plunge, you'll never know unless you try them out. Pretty soon all of the naysayers may be Yea-Sayer's. And they will owe their new found style to you. A day may be named after you. You could be on a stamp. A made for T.V movie could be made. "The Woman who yelled 'Skort'.; the Mari story". and the list goes on and on. But you'll never know until you head to Striders (www.stridersrunning.com) and get a pair. Tell them Brad sent you.

Undies rash!

Hey Brad!
I am having riding problems with my undies, what kind should I wear to avoid this rashy predicament?

Derek - Kaysville,UT

Undies are something that must be chosen wisely. First of all, I am going to just assume you are wearing boys under wear. If not, do, and problem solved.
Have you also considered that it may not be the undies fault, but your lack of buttocks that may be the issue. This can be helped though. I have no butt either, so rest assured that life can still be great.
Now, if you are a wearer of briefs, you are on your own. I don't think I've worn briefs since 4th grade. I'm a boxer man myself. But it doesn't end there. All boxers are not created equal. I am very picky when it comes to this arena.
My preference is Calvin Klein. In Boxers that is. The fabric is the perfect thickness, the waste band, oh so nice, and the fit is intriguing, yet comfortable and familiar. Ralph Lauren boxers of the 2008 year have also made me smile. The last Polo boxers I got were in 2006. The fit was okay, but not like Calvin Klein's. The fabric was knit too tightly, as far as I was concerned. Tommy Hilfiger boxers are pretty good, but it's their boxer briefs that have captured my heart. But all in all, Is till prefer boxers, way over boxer briefs. No ride, nice fit, relaxed vibe, and no rash.
Nautica is okay, but I don't I will travel that road again. I save them for days I feel like having a crappy day.
Boxers are like High Thread count sheets. Once you've got higher, you just can't come back down. I used to wear Eddie Bauer, and The Gap, but now, they feel like 25 thread count sheets. If you want to play the game, you have to be all in. If not, your life will be miserable forever more.
Button, or no button on the fly is personal preference. It is the fit and fabric that you have to be sold on.
The last item is design, color and pattern. Though it will do nothing for the rash, it will help you feel like a million bucks. You're not a kid anymore son, leave the cartoon characters on your nephews roos. Are you ready to take the step? The step that will lead you into the arena where fashion and comfort meet, "I'm one bad dude, and comfortable too"? Take the step.

p.s. You can also try baby powder. It will keep you dry and rash free as well. It worked wonders for our babies.

"Housekeeping!"

Brad,

I've got a problem. I'm sitting here in my hotel room in Ohio. I just raced an 8k this morning and my flight doesn't leave until 5:20pm. We're leaving the hotel at 3:30, in a couple hours to go to the airport. The usual check-out time is noon, I think, so the problem comes as I keep getting Room Service knocks at my door expecting me to be gone! The first couple times it was fine and they were apologetic, but now I think they are getting annoyed as I continue to answer their knocks. Should I continue to answer their knocks or just let them come in and discover that I'm still here?

Lindsey - Ogden, UT

Could it be that you secretly want them walking in over and over? Perhaps you were lonely and this brief encounter made you feel better. Much like people that call for time and temperature over and over just to hear a voice other than their own.
If it is loneliness that is keeping you answering the door over and over I suggest either bringing a friend or calling someone from time to time. Heck, you can even try your best to meet some friends. Though I know these short relationships may be a bit superficial, it will still help with your problem.
Another thing you could do is yell something like: "I'm in here!!!" as loudly as you can. Use a low voice that is slightly raspy. Throw in any of your proffered profanities for emphasis if you'd really like them to get the point. Add them as the knocking continues.
But then again, the easiest thing to do would be put the "Do not disturb" sign on your door. I do that anytime I go on business just to keep anyone from coming in when I am gone. I'd hate to come back and see that my socks had been rummaged through. Try it, it may work magic!

Random advice!

1. If you are ever running a race, playing in a basketball game, soccer game...but still especially a race, triple tie your shoes. Don't be that ding bat that people have to say: "Hey, you're shoe's untied."
There are enough things in races that can slow you down. don't let it be something you can control. It is far better to have to use a fork to untie your shoes than to run slower because you're shoe laces are whipping to and fro, or need to stop mid-race to tie them.

2. If someone says: "Yuck, this stinks so badly." Trust them. You don't need to smell it confirm the stunkedness (My own word) of what they are smelling. Have you ever been glad you did? NO! So don't do it. No one likes smelling stinky things. You know it's going to smell, so don't do it. I repeat, Don't do it!

3. Don't waste your money on Pseudo-Science. You know that unbelievable cure for whatever ales you? It's probably just that, unbelievable. Ever wonder why this amazing cure must be sold on late night infomercials, through a Multi-level; market, or out of a magazine? Probably because it's BS! If you ever have a question check www.quackwatch.com
Don't be that sucker at the next family party that everyone is talking about because you ate "Viper Minerals XTS" for lunch instead of actual food, or you are wearing a hat with magnets in it. Now take it from a true cyber-friend...don't be a sucker!

4. When you are mad, don't hit things in anger. It won't make you feel better, and typically you end up hurting yourself and thinking: "Why in the Sam hill did I slap my duggum hand on that there table?" Seriously, has it ever helped ANY problem? I truly doubt it. You know you will end up regretting it, so don't do it.
You'll just feel sheepish when, for the next 10 days, when people ask why your hand is bandaged you have to say: "I hit a wall because I was mad." They will be left thinking: "What'd ya do that for?"

Who'd win?

Hey Brad, Now here is the scenario, Batman, one day, was out fighting crime in his usual dark way, and saw the beautiful, redheaded Mary Jane and instantly fell deeply in love with her. Spiderman noticed this and became enraged with jealousy. He got a little physical with Batman and the fight began. What do you think the outcome would be? Who do I cheer for? And if you don't mind, I would appreciate a detailed description of the fight.



Joe-Fruit Heights

It's always nice to see dudes fighting over girls. I never did it, but it looked like a lot of fun. I was much more of a lover than a fighter. I prefer to swell my lips through kisses, not fists.

But let's look at the outcome. Batman is walking down the street when he sees a hot babe. He thinks to his bat self: "That gal with redish hair is one fine lady. I think I shall bring my bat body over there to say 'hi'." Now, across the way is a man in tights, who goes by the name of Spiderman is looking down upon this exchange of pleasantries between his girlie, and his Bat buddy, known to as Batman.
Spider man has a pretty bad temper. It was first noticed when he was shorted some change at Big 5, and he webbed the section of the store where the low end Weight machines sit. It was a "webby" mess. The manager had to come out to settle down Spiderman, but Spider man, using his Spider like abilities, had climbed to the ceiling of the store. The manager looked around for 2 or 3 minutes before giving up and going back to his small office that sits in the southwest corner of the warehouse. After the manager, named Skip, by the way, had left, Spidey jumped down and webbed the crap out of the vending machines near the exit. He did it all out of spite too.
Spiderman, mad about Batty getting all up in his love grill swung over to Batman and said: "'Sup fool?"
Batman, looking some what surprised answered: "Nuttin'?"
"Nuttin'?" Spider man questioned. "What kind of Bat does nuttin'?"
""Well, to be honest I'm not a bat." Batman clarified. "I'm just a guy who wears this bat costume. Well, it's not a bat costume, per se', but it's an outfit to make people think I'm part bat, part man. I have no magical powers. It's just a human who is being exceptional if you get my gig."
"Oh so now you are all 'I'm a normal man not a creepy bat'." Spider man replied using a girlie voice when acting as if he is quoting the Batman. "You think you're better than me punk?"
"No sir!" Batman politely replied, and turned and grinned at his new love.
No sooner had Batty turned his head and he was hit in his fake Bat Ears with a wad of web. It knocked him slightly to the right, causing him to nearly lose his balance and step in some chewed gum that some inconsiderate person had spat to the road earlier. It wasn't long ago enough to harden so Batman was lucky that his Bat feet steered clear.
"Whatcha do that for Spider man?" Batman asked, again in a surprised manner.
Without replying Spiderman webbed more web at Batman. But Batman was ready. He whipped out his Bat-Baton and blocked the flying wad of web. He shouted back. "My suit is rubber, your webs are like glue. I bounced it off of my Bat-Baton and it's sticking to your stupid mask made of cloth."
Spidey tried to climb the wall, but Batman was too clever and too strong for the man in tights. He deployed his Batman zip line and shot to the top, way ahead of Spiderman. By the time Spidey hit the roof Batman was there with a milkshake made from Whoop tushy. He sure let that Spider guy have it. Spiderman was like: "Wha' happened?"
He tried with all of his Spider might to turn to the fight in his favor, but this Bat of a man was too much for him. By the time the smoke, webs, and dust had settled Spider man was lying on his back making funny noises. They were so strange that I can not even begin to describe them in type.
So to answer your question, and to give you some advice. Cheer for Batman. He is my favorite of the super heroes for one reason...he has no super natural powers. He is the common man. He didn't need to gain special powers to become great. We can all relate to him much better than any Super or Spider man. We all have a little Batman inside of us. All you need is a reason, and you too can be great. Forget being bitten by a Spider. Forget coming from another planet. All you need is hard work, and courage to be great! Nothing more. Of course, a Bat mobile would be helpful! And that sweet Baterang.

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The Greatness of Girls!

Dear Brad, Some of us girls have a problem. We know that we are incredibly strong and tough, not to mention good looking and fast. What could possibly be our problem??? Well, we are afraid that we are intimidating the boys. How do we let them know that beneath all of our awesomeness we are just ordinary girls?



~ KT, Meg, M, and Jewels (Davis County...where all the awesome girls are from!)

Ladies! Ladies! Calm down. First you have to realize a few things. Intimidating boys is just fine. Never let them think that you aren't all of those great qualities. See, Boys are idiots. Yep, pure, stone cold, head to toe, idiots. And when it comes to the opposite sex it gets even worse.
You are not ordinary girls. You are Cross Country runners! Not only that, but you are really good Cross Country runners. From what I hear in the hallways you guys are pretty good lookin' too. And all of this while the other teams are ugly...and presumably taking last. These boys of which you talk are more awe struck than anything else. How do they speak to such running goddesses?
It's like my Uncle Kenneth used to say. "I am diabetic, but that in no way means I can't sneak myself a snicker-doodle once and again." It wasn't a very good saying, as far as this goes, but it is still a saying. It meant that even though he is diabetic, sometimes he can eat snicker-doodles. I hope I cleared that up.
Maybe a saying that is more appropriate would be: "Boys know they are going to screw any relationship up, so sometimes it's better to watch thy beauty than let thy beauty hate thee." I wish with all of my heart someone had once said that. It would have been fitting for this section of advice.
My main advice is; who cares what these boys think? If they are intimidated by you guys than they are not man enough to have you. Stay strong, and cower to no one. Keep being awesome, and one day you will be able to find a fellow, who will most assuredly be a runner, who can handle every bit of the amazing, tough, awesomeness that you all possess. You are lucky you have coaches that have taught you to be so cool!

No Funny Money!

During these turbulent economic times I was wondering where I should put my money. Should I diversify and put my money in the mattress as well as buried in the back yard? Anyway, I would appreciate any advice that you could offer.


--David _ Bakersfield, CA

Yes, diversification is what you should do. But why just stop with the mattress and a hole? Also, let's look at your options and see what is best. I don't want you to be a Money Dummy, as I like to say to people who are financial idiots. Keep your Money you dummy, and let that money make life funny. But not funny as in: "Ha ha you lost all of your money." More of a "Ha ha, I have so much money that I can buy Chinese Finger traps, and 'Whoopee cushions' to play gags on my unsuspecting friends. Boy is this vast amount of money a hoot!"

I understand why a hole in the yard would be appealing to you. But let me tell you a story. One day, my brother Scott thought it would be a swell idea to make a time capsule. He filled several plastic baggies with mementos like pictures, notes, pennies, and such. He then put these baggies inside other baggies. He then put the baggies inside other baggies inside a metal box safe guarded by a combination lock, keeping anyone who wants those goodies inside the baggies inside of the baggies out unless they knew the combination. Then he put it in a shoe box, and buried deep, deep in the dirt. And when I say deep I'm not saying 3 inches. I mean like 8 inches. Fast forward a few years and he digs the pile of stuff up. Inside, he found that they stuff had turned to Gold. And he used that gold to buy a lot of cool stuff like "Volta tron's". Which are Trons that are powered by Volts. Oh, wait that is another story. Actually all of the stuff had withered away to a pile of slush. All of his stuff that was worth tens of cents was now worth nothing. The moral, baggies don't do crap.

I see no fault in your plan to hide money beneath your mattress. It's a solid, safe place to hide crap. The return on your money will be...let me calculate this...carry the 1...times 4 to the 5th power...nothing. But I'm sure you will be very safe once people know you hide money beneath your mattress. People respect ones private space.

Have you thought about putting some in your gym socks? You will have to be vigilant to take them out of your sock socks prior to a good washing, but that should be easy, especially if you put coins in there, as they could become uncomfortable over time. No one knows how to protect your money more than you. And the stink your bills will surely acquire will be enough to keep you from frivolous spending as the embarrassment will be enough to keep your cash put.

My last piece of advice is a long shot. Get with a Financial planner who knows what they are doing and make your money work for you. I don't mean work as in mowing your lawns, although that is a plus if the return is just as good. Not only will they know where to put it in order to protect your money, but they will help you navigate your financial future so you will always have money, that doesn't smell like stinky gym shoes mind you, for a rainy day. It is where I put my money, as so far it has been a dream come true. I know 3 good looking, Harrison Ford like fellas that can help you out. In fact, they are in your area. Let them help you!

http://www.waconsultinginc.com/

Now go ride that Bull Market David!

Stud Wonder!

Brad, I found myself in a conversation on the bus with some of my fellow teammates about you.... We were wondering, how did you become such a stud? Were you born this way? Or did you just wake up one morning and found out? Thanks!
Colin - Kaysville, UT

Hey Brad, I was just wondering how did you get to be so cool? Did you just wake up one day and BAM! you were cool, or was it a process. I need some tips so that I can be a never ending source of awesomeness too.

Cody-Kaysville, Utah

Both of these are very good questions. One day, when I was, oh, say 12 years old, I was talking on the phone to my good friend Ryan. As we talked, we got into such topics as Football, The California Angels, Sheep, and the losing of their tails after an elastic is put on it, Sand box troubles, and white synthetic leather couches. I can recall Ryan trying to figure out why some girls have long hair and some girls have short hair. We were twelve, so you can understand the head shakes, and eye rolls I was giving over the phone. I finally cut the call short when Mom told me she had made rice pudding. Mmmm, I gots to eats my rice pudding.

This conversation led to nothing about why I am such a stud. That started a few years before...I think. In fact, it never really started, I've just always been this way. why? Well, it's just how things are. So in a way I just woke and and BAM, I was a stud, but in a way it started long before that.

See, when two people love each other there is a special hug they give. And if all of the magic is right, a baby is born out of this love and magic. In my case, the magic was replaced with Stud, and Cool Dude. This may have a lot to do with why I don't believe in anything magical. I'm pure Stud and special hug.

Of course, having great friends like Corbin "The Man of Fire" Talley as your friend helps. It is much easier to be a stud if you surround yourself with people you want to be like. It's easy being a stud when you are around the type of people that make you feel good. The kind that make it easy to have fun. If you want to be a stud, then be a stud. What are the qualities you think studs posses. If it is being nice to people, then be nice to people. Being a stud is a full time job. Even after I go home at night I have to hear: "Hey Stud do you want some fajitas for dinner? ""Stud man, how 'bout you pick what we watch on T.V." "King stud-alicious can I get you anything?"Or "Stud Dad, I'm gonna be a stud too when I grow big right?"

You need to realize that you may already be a stud. You just need to know it, or like I do, tell people you are. Soon enough people started believing me. Next thing I know I was a full fledged stud, with a stud alert updates coming to me via email 6 to 12 times a day. It was a Roller coaster of sorts at first, but once I got settled in to the Stud life it has been smooth sailing, less the Stud Conventions where I have to sign autographs, take pictures, and meet and greet. And one time, at one such convention, I had to do a Power point presentation on ow "Studliness is next to Awesomeness". It is true. They are close in nature, but I did point out the subtle differences. It's true, like me, that you pour over into the other, but still, they aint the same thing, except that they both possess the uncanny ability to snap, and whistle. (Don't think that just because you snap and whistle you are there. I should just send the Power Point.)

In closing, being a stud is what you make of it. Be with the people that bring out your inner stud. You're not a stud until you realize you are. Soon enough, people will catch on, and Whamo, you are the stud you long to be.

Now go and be a stud!

COMMENTS?