No Funny Money!

During these turbulent economic times I was wondering where I should put my money. Should I diversify and put my money in the mattress as well as buried in the back yard? Anyway, I would appreciate any advice that you could offer.


--David _ Bakersfield, CA

Yes, diversification is what you should do. But why just stop with the mattress and a hole? Also, let's look at your options and see what is best. I don't want you to be a Money Dummy, as I like to say to people who are financial idiots. Keep your Money you dummy, and let that money make life funny. But not funny as in: "Ha ha you lost all of your money." More of a "Ha ha, I have so much money that I can buy Chinese Finger traps, and 'Whoopee cushions' to play gags on my unsuspecting friends. Boy is this vast amount of money a hoot!"

I understand why a hole in the yard would be appealing to you. But let me tell you a story. One day, my brother Scott thought it would be a swell idea to make a time capsule. He filled several plastic baggies with mementos like pictures, notes, pennies, and such. He then put these baggies inside other baggies. He then put the baggies inside other baggies inside a metal box safe guarded by a combination lock, keeping anyone who wants those goodies inside the baggies inside of the baggies out unless they knew the combination. Then he put it in a shoe box, and buried deep, deep in the dirt. And when I say deep I'm not saying 3 inches. I mean like 8 inches. Fast forward a few years and he digs the pile of stuff up. Inside, he found that they stuff had turned to Gold. And he used that gold to buy a lot of cool stuff like "Volta tron's". Which are Trons that are powered by Volts. Oh, wait that is another story. Actually all of the stuff had withered away to a pile of slush. All of his stuff that was worth tens of cents was now worth nothing. The moral, baggies don't do crap.

I see no fault in your plan to hide money beneath your mattress. It's a solid, safe place to hide crap. The return on your money will be...let me calculate this...carry the 1...times 4 to the 5th power...nothing. But I'm sure you will be very safe once people know you hide money beneath your mattress. People respect ones private space.

Have you thought about putting some in your gym socks? You will have to be vigilant to take them out of your sock socks prior to a good washing, but that should be easy, especially if you put coins in there, as they could become uncomfortable over time. No one knows how to protect your money more than you. And the stink your bills will surely acquire will be enough to keep you from frivolous spending as the embarrassment will be enough to keep your cash put.

My last piece of advice is a long shot. Get with a Financial planner who knows what they are doing and make your money work for you. I don't mean work as in mowing your lawns, although that is a plus if the return is just as good. Not only will they know where to put it in order to protect your money, but they will help you navigate your financial future so you will always have money, that doesn't smell like stinky gym shoes mind you, for a rainy day. It is where I put my money, as so far it has been a dream come true. I know 3 good looking, Harrison Ford like fellas that can help you out. In fact, they are in your area. Let them help you!

http://www.waconsultinginc.com/

Now go ride that Bull Market David!