What do I condemn in my paper.

I wanted to try this out. I have to write a sermon condemning something to hell. what should I do it on?
Jason - Kaysville, UT

Hello Jason, if you have anything that has to do with Hell you came to the right person as many people think I'm already going there. Even though I don't believe in a physical hell I will help you out.
At first thought, some people would think of condemning things like getting kicked in the gut by a mule. But see, the mule probably did it in self defense. And that same belly kicking mule, doesn't really understand what empathy is. It's like my Granddad may have said: "A mule kicks, and a mule don't care." And come on Jason, does a mule really belong in hell?
I suggest if you are condemning something to hell, and you want to be intellectually honest about the whole thing I would condemn something that you feel has no worth to society. From what I've been told about hell, it aint a good place to end up. So condemning things like "Chinese Finger traps", or bent Slinky's there is a bad choice.
Before I go on, we need to determine something. Do you want your condemnation to be funny? If that is the case, the more simple the thing being damned, the better. Damning something like small Dixie cups is a good example. Not only are they made of paper, they are also only 6 oz. And who ever drinks just 6 oz ? I mean, we're not talking about tequila shots are we? Even then, the 6 oz cup would be too large. And even then, it's still not glass...it's wax paper for goodness sake. Here you have damned something, that A: No one else will probably think of. And B: They are stupid, and laughable not worthy of eternal damnation.
Now if you want a serious answer, I suggest Cats. Let's be honest, we all hate cats. They're sneaky, and the scratch you. Ever had a little kitten tossed at you bare back? If not, do it, and you will see what all of this Cat damnation I speak of is about. The little bugger will claw the heck out of your back, leaving you with a series of long, bloody claw marks left by a small beast that seemed to be trying to claw you kidney out for dinner.
In closing; if you want to be funny, make it something very, very simple. If you want it to be serious, truly think of something you don't think belongs on this earth. Look at it from all angles. For me; I'd go with the funny approach. But act like you are being totally serious. That will make or break it. I hope to hear how it goes.
Now go and sin no more.

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