Bluetooth Blunder.

" Hey Daryl, can you hear me? This is Ron. I am in idiot!"

Tired of looking like an idiot when you are walking around with your silly Bluetooth ear piece in your ear? Well, have I got some good, nay, Great advice for you. Take it out! You look like an idiot when you walk around the store with it in your ear when it is clear that you are not talking to anyone.

It's 2008, we ALL have cell phones. You don't look cool. You look like a moron.

Look, I don't mean to come down hard on you like this...really, I don't. But I would not be doing my job of offering great advice if I didn't tell you that it's not cool to wear a Bluetooth ear piece when you are not using it. I understand that it is a pretty helpful tool...when someone is on the other line. But when the line is dead, it turns you into a moron.

Even if you are talking to someone, and you're not driving or doing something that leaves your hands too occupied to hold anything, use your phone. You look crazy talking to your self as you walk up and down the isles of your local super market. Just hold your little, light weight phone in your hands so the rest of us know you are not talking to us when you pass and say something stupid like: "Yeah, I'd keep walking too if my back side was that big."

Once you get over you Bluetooth ear mess, we can move on to better things that make you look cool. Like, "Do I tuck it in, or let it all hang out: Shirts, and the standard of tucking."

"Hey, not only do I have really crappy looking 'chops' I have my Bluetooth ear piece in and I aint talkin' to no one."

Going in for the kiss!

What is the best way to set up a kiss?

Jake-Kaysville UT

I would say with another person, who you like, and likes you back. Then I would make sure that they are facing you so you don't kiss them in the back of the head. If you are just trying to kiss them on the hand, I would make sure you are facing his or her hand. I would make sure, prior to moving in or the hand kiss, that their hand is not covered in dirt, or even worse, dog or baby poop. That will make for a kiss that will leave you gagging every time you think about it after that.
Next, I would pucker your, hopefully ,soft, moist, lips too. It makes more a better kissing experience.
Setting up a kiss is nothing more than being with someone you really like, and likes you back. The mood is right. Your hearts are both pounding wildly as if to beg you to move in for the kill. You slide in closer. You lips are puckered in a puckering fashion. Your eyes will soon close, and WHAMO!!! You've got lip lock baby! If you think about it too much you are bound to make it awkward. Just let it ride my friend.
It's about being together more than anything. You'll see the signs. If she looks at your lips, you know she is eyeing down the prize. If she is looking up at you , you can take that sign to the bank. If you slowly move it, and her head turns away a bit, or her chin gets lowered...ABORT MISSION SOLDIER! Test out the water, make sure she wants to kiss you. Looks for the subtle signs. The looking in the eyes, licking of the lips, chap sticking of the kisser, the moving closer of the face. You'll know.
But remember, if she isn't giving you the signs, I suggest you slow it down a bit son. There is no use planting a kiss prematurely. It will just lead to not kissing those lips again any time soon.
Treat your ladies with respect, and you will find that your lips will be much more productive. Treat your ladies right son, and your lips will thank you. Don't rush, push, or shove it. Make sure she knows that she is what you care about, and the kiss is just a way to show that. If you make her feel like it's all about the kiss, you may as well have a cold sore. TREAT THE LADIES WELL!!! Not only do the deserve that, but you will also find you will have a lot more success in the smooching department.
Now get out there and start kissing!

Hotel legalities.

Brad,Let us pretend that we are staying in a hotel, and looking for something legal and fun to do. Do you have any ideas?



Jrit and Bess! - Kaysville, UT

There are lots of legal, and fun things you can do. None of which include, running a gambling operation, stealing valuable art, throwing televisions out of the window, or brewing your own beer in the tub.
Did you think about bringing a game of Scrabble? This will lead to hours of fun just "Scrabbling" and laughing with your friends. If you really feel like getting crazy, get a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew. I suggest avoiding the Caffeine Free version, as fun it is not. Pretty soon you may find yourself making "shadow puppets" on the wall.
Did you come to this hotel with people who are actually fun? If so, you are off to a good start. If not, well, you should have asked for advice like: "I am going to hotel, should I bring someone who is fun?"
Some of the things that I have done that were the most fun were quite simple...and legal. It's not so much what you do, but how you do it. It is why Corbin "Thorbin" Talley and I have so much fun. In fact, one night in Boise, we found our selves in an all out "Bed war", sliding the bed in front of the bathroom door in hopes one would trip, taking ALL of the bedding off of the bed, taking the mattress and box spring off as well.
If you knew my brother's you will know that if we aren't having fun somewhere, we aren't there at all. Because if we are somewhere, we are having fun... and very few things have ever involved sitting in a Police Cruiser at 3:30 AM, giving fake names, and acting like you are just as confused as the officer is.
Open your mind, and just have fun. Just keep in mind, that other people who paid to stay in the hotel may not think your fun is all that fun. You'll have more fun if you don't tick them off.
In closing, I don't have anything specific for you. It changes with who you are with. You don't need to plan having fun. It's always time to have fun!

Paper or Plastic?

Brad
At the local grocery store the other day I was posed a question that caused severe inner turmoil. Maybe you can help? I had just finished purchasing some various food items, as well as some feminine hygiene products for my wife. Upon paying for the items the checkout girl posed this question; "Paper or plastic, sir?" What was I to do? I want to help the environment by reducing my petroleum based product consumption but yet I'm terribly frightened of brown paper bags ever since the "flaming bag of poop" incident. Should I conquer my fear and protect Mother Earth or give in to my fears and go with plastic? Any advice would be appreciated wise one.


Sincerely,



Confused in Bakersfield

Oh the memories. who hasn't opened there door to find a paper bag in fire, only to stomp it out to find your once white loafers, are now just loafers.
But your fear needs to be beat. Plastic bags are not only littering our land fills, it takes too long for a plastic bag to break down. Not only that, in Los Angeles, they spend 8 Million dollars annually just cleaning them up. They are on power lines, alleys, you name it. Is that really where you want your tax money going?
But then again, do you really want paper? Bot really take up so much energy to create, let alone resources. Why don't you just buy a reusable bag?
But don't let me get on a high horse, that I don't even have. I do not use reusable bags. Should I? Yes. But, sad to say, as wonderful as I am, I'm just like everyone else..just more wonderful..and have great advice to boot. I typically get plastic as I use them for lots of other things. If I am going some where, and I may run, I put my clothes in a plastic bag. We take them on walks with our dog, so we can clean up after him. With most plastic bags not the best for lighting, it also takes away the temptation of leaving it afire, on your porch.
So this is where we all need to make a decision. Do we want to be a part of the problem? Will we choose the easiest way, thinking other people will make the right decision? Or will we be the one's to start? We don't have to do much to help. Recycle the things that are worth recycling. (That is Aluminum, metals and glass.) Turn your lights off when you are not in the room. A little will go a long way. And if you do these things you can still have your occasional paper bag to fill with Fido's "Loofer" to light on your neighbors lawn. We can't complain about Foreign oil if we're not doing our part. Save a gallon, become a runner.

Sock Purgatory.

Dear Brad, Every time I do my wash at least one of my socks go missing. Now I have a bunch of unmatching socks. How does this happen, is the "Legend of the Washing Machine Beast who Eats Socks" true?



Emily - Kaysville, UT

Emily, I fear you are not alone in this. I can not begin to tell you how many times I have lost just one sock. There are a few things we can do.
Number one: don't wash your socks any more. This will alleviate any losing of one sock. This will keep the "Washing machine Beast" un-fed, and possibly looking for a new residence to set up shop. But, this may have sour, nay, stinky consequences on your dating life. It may even have stinky consequences with your Non-dating life. It's just like Abraham Lincoln once said while buried neck deep in the Civil War. "No man who doth not wash his socks can win a war. His feet will be too dang smelly to sneak up on the Confederates." He had a point.
Your next option is to find a stream and wash them by hand. This will keep you away from the washing machine beast, and your socks will be clean...sort of. You may go for this option, but, well, this too may have grave consequences on your dating life as you will spend more time at the stream that will that lucky boy, with the great hair, chiseled body, and full lips.
My last piece of advice is to tie your socks together. Yep, in a knot. Or you can even get a mesh bag that you put all of your sock sin and put the whole bag in the washing machine. When my Dad had a locker up in the Weber state Track locker room that is how he did it. He had his bag that he gave the nice fellow washing stuff and his stuff would come back clean, and all there...even his socks.
Good luck with your washing. I am sure you will have two pairs of socks in no time.

Road Running Rage!

Hey Brad, I haven't been able to run for quite some time, and things are getting weird. There are periods of time that I just can't remember what happened and its scaring me! Also whenever I see someone running by on the street I sometimes turn green and get huge muscles and start smashing buildings (The huge muscles part isn't so bad, but the uncontrollable rage is). What should I do about this? Please help me!



-Cody ,Kaysville UT

I feel your pain Cody! Being injured is one of the worst things I can think of. It is only behind being killed, having my teeth pulled out, having my head smashed beneath a 453 pound boulder, having my tongue pulled out by a squirrel, eating squash, or falling off of a cliff, on my list of crappy things.
You need to embrace the change you go through when you see people run. Smashing buildings is pretty cool. I bet the chicks die for it.
Once you have embraced it, channel it into good energy. Use that same rage on an exercise bike as you X-train yourself back to health. Use that anger to propel you on a bike that will lead to your recovery. Those things will get you back on to the road in no time.
You can be frustrated about your injury and watch other's run. Or you can do something about it, and hit the gym for some X-training. You will still turn green from time to time, but at least you are working on getting back on your feet and running.
If you're not doing anything to get running again, this rage is just a waste of time.

Now go get 'em Hulk!

What makes a great runner?

Brad,
My question is very simple. What makes a good runner GREAT?

Logan, Kaysville, UT

This is actually a pretty easy answer. First of all, if you are a good runner, you probably already have genetics on your side. Unfortunately you can't coach genetics. You've either got fast genes, or you don't. It would be much easier if we were talking about jeans, instead of genes, as you would be able to go to "Fast Levi's for everyday people" and get yourself some fast jeans.
Hopefully your parents,when they fell in love, just happened to have those genes that are meant for out running wolves. And then when they gave each other that "special hug", they passed those genes on to you. But this is the easy part, as long as you got the proper genes. You can't do anything about this.
The second part you have control over. You have to do the work. You have to put in the miles. You have to out run the wolves, if you will. I have NEVER met a GREAT runner who did not put in the work. I have never met a GREAT runner who didn't do their long runs. There isn't a great runner on this earth that didn't pay the price on the track during intervals.
To be a great runner it needs to go from running being an activity, to running being what you base your day around. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating enough food. Are you guzzling enough water? For GREAT runners, running is a priority. Now don't get me wrong, it's not everything. Life needs to be well balanced. This will help your running. You always have to leave yourself time for running down the ladies. Distance running is lonely enough as it is. With out the ladies, it's just plain nutty.
Running isn't a game, like most other sports. It's a chance for you to push yourself. A chance for you to see what you are really made of. It's a chance for you to push yourself further than you ever thought possible, only to push yourself further the next time. It teaches you how to deal with what life throws at you. Once you've run a race as hard as you can, pushing through the pain, and never giving up, there is nothing you can't get through in any other aspect of your life. Learning to run harder when you feel like slowing down is where you earn the real reward.
Another aspect of becoming a great runner is KNOWING you are a GREAT runner. I can promise you no one has ever won a Gold Medal without thinking they could do it. "How do you get this confidence?" You might ask. Did you read the last paragraph of am I writing this to myself? The only way to gain confidence is to put in the work. With out the HARD WORK, you can do all of the mental preparation you want and you'll still look like worn out t-shirt as you race on down the road. I'm sure you've heard the phrase: "The will to win isn't worth a nickel unless you have the will to prepare."
To put it simply, the race is won during the training, long before it is won in a meet. Once you have gotten your body into the best shape it can be in, only then can you hope to become great. It is not rocket science by any means. 1 + 1 =2
Once the work is done, you then can start hoping for everything to come together on race day. Know that even after all of the work, sometimes it won't come together. Some days you just don't have it. Sometimes it too hot, or you injure yourself. You may even come up with a case of the "Oopsy Poopsy's" race morning. That's just the beast of the sport. But realize if you have done the work, there will be more days when everything works out perfectly. You will race your hardest and run faster than you ever imagined. You will feel your hard work paying off. Without putting in the work, these days will never happen. Without the work, you'll NEVER see those days.
The ability to be GREAT is in your hands. Are you going to hit the roads the days you'd rather be watching "Saved by the Bell"? Are you going to push those days on the track when your lungs feel like they are about the burst? Are you going to pull yourself out of bed those dark mornings to meet up with the team for a morning run? Are you going to run down the person in front of you even when the race is not on the line? Are you going to kick to the finish even when no one is watching, and you aren't going to change your position anyway? Are you going to get to bed early when you have a hard workout, or race the next day? Are you going to believe in your hard work? Are you going to push out those thoughts of doubt? Are you going to bow to the pressure or rise to the occasion?
You can do it Logan. You have the drive and ability. You have great coaches who can help you with race strategy, and great work outs. The rest is up to you. Get out and put in the work, and the rest is just details. If you don't train like you are the best runner out there, you never will be.

Help me help you!

Every one needs help...well except for me. Wait, I take that back. I need help helping you. If you don't send me your problems I can't help you. And if I don't help you there is a pretty good chance your life will fall apart. And no blame can be put on me because of your lack of asking for help.
Hey, you trust me right? You know I know what's best for you. so why do you push me away like you do? That is a sign of someone who really needs my help. So come on, throw that question. "Should I put on Ketchup or Mustard first?" "Do I rub his feet even though he has athletes foot?" "Should I hang up that poster of the new "90210" cast or not?"
Come on people, this is your chance to not let your life go all to crap.

Official "Don't be an idiot day"!

I was informed that today, October 24th is the official "Don't be an idiot day". an din keeping with the spirit of not being an idiot, I will give a few suggestions to not be an idiot.

Don't touch a pan with your finger to see if it is hot. That would be an idiotic thing to do. Use an ice cube dummy.
When you are frustrated with yourself for being an idiot, don't do another stupid thing like hitting yourself in the head while saying "I'm an idiot." People around you already know you are an idiot, but hitting your head just leaves you open to hurting yourself even more.
Do not use you bare arm as a landing perch for a bird of prey. It might look cool to any one observing, but for you it will hurt like no other. Don't be dumb.
Look both ways before you cross the street. If you're not an idiot, this does not apply. If you are asking yourself"Why?", then email me and I'll explain.
Remember: DON"T BE AN IDIOT!

Ready to race.

Hey Brad,



So I am going to be running my first 10k in about 3 weeks in San Antonio for Division II South Central Regionals. Do you have any advice for me, like eating and how to get ready mentally? Hook a brother up!-



Tyson Portales, NM/Morgan


Thank you for your question Tyson. Running is very near and dear to my heart. My best advice would be :"Run faster than everyone else." That is a sure way to secure a victory. Get out fast, look around you, identify the leader and stay in front of them. If you can keep the rest of the runners behind you, I am pretty confident you will win the race.
But if that is not the advice you are looking for here are a few other suggestions. First of all; don't sweat it. I know you have been training hard, and hitting your long runs. If you have done all of this, you will be just fine. There isn't a whole lot you can do after you have put in the work. That is one of the great things about running.
With it being a 10K, you need to later your pace just a little. Just don't get caught up running too slowly. If you've done your long runs you will handle the longer distance just fine. Focus on every 2 miles instead of every mile. This will keep you from focusing on the longer distance.
As far as eating, eat what you have been eating. It's no time to invent a new morning breakfast, that could leave you running to the Port-o-John instead of the finish line. Don't load of on a ton of food the night before, but make sure you get your fuel. food is your friend when you are running.
Now that you have done the work, and eaten the right food, all you need to do is the mental aspect. What is your goal. That is what you need to know. If you have no goal, it is hard to run your best. What are you trying to do? Is there a certain time? A certain place? What? Identify that and make a race plan. what are your strengths? Where can you shave off some time. Do you get out too slowly? Do you slow down in the middle of the race? Find where you can shave some time off and focus on that. If you do slow down in the middle mile or miles, focus on them. When you hit the 2 mile mark, think to yourself: "I really need to focus the next 2 or 3 miles. They are easy miles to to pick up some unwanted seconds. Runners often get in a rut during the middle mile or miles of races. Being aware of that and trying to keep out of that rut will keep you on the right track. when I run a 5K, I just try to stay steady the first mile. It's the second mile that I try to start moving up. The first and last mile usually take car of themselves. I try to keep from getting out too fast. And the last mile I'm just trying to get to the finish as quickly as possible.
So what I am saying is: Know what you are trying to accomplish, and know how you can give yourself the best opportunity to do that. Think through a few race scenarios. What if they get out really fast? What if I'm still in a pack with 800 meters to go. What if I break away? Know what you will do.
My lats piece of advice is decide where you are going to kick, and KICK there. I suggest picking somewhere that has a visual reminder. (ie, a telephone pole, a garbage ca, a side walk, etc.) Tell yourself that is the latest you will kick, NO MATTER WHAT. When you are tired you will wait until the last minute to kick. Have your body ready to kick then, no matter who tired you are. Your brain will help you out if you have decided you will do it.
In closing, remember you have done the work, so you don't have a lot to worry about. You have done everything you can control. You can't control the other stuff, so don't worry about them. You have put yourself in the best position to succeed. Find confidence in that. Everything else is just details.
Good luck pal! Let me know how you do.

NEW ADVICE COMING SOON!

Stay tuned! New advice is on the way!

Skorts or No Skorts?

Hey Brad,
So I've been seeing a lot about running skirts lately and wondering if I should get one. I don't know what to think about them. Some people say they are really comfy and "flirty" and others say they aren't for the sport and a pain. I don't like skirts, but I don't like running just in my spandex. What do you think?

Mari, Kaysville


Well, I would never wear one. They are pretty feminine. I just don't think I could pull it off. In the Winter I will wear half tights. (Spandex), but I'm not so sure I could pull the whole, Skort thing off. say all you want about comfort, but I think I would be too self conscience to wear one.
As for you, well, it's your choice. I know several people who want one. Word on the street is that they are comfortable. I guess they don't ride up. So if that is an problem, get a pair.
You can always get a pair, and see what you think. If you don't like it, be glad you only bought one pair. If you do like it, be even more happy that you tried it.
I'm still into traditional running shorts. But that's what I am used to people wearing. But remember, people used to be go over the High Jump bar front wards. Now that has all changed, and you would think it was funny if someone didn't go over backwards. It's not about what other people think.
I still wear the short, split side running shorts. Why? Because I am awesome, and it is what awesome people do. And because they are by far the most comfortable, as far as I am concerned.
So take the plunge, you'll never know unless you try them out. Pretty soon all of the naysayers may be Yea-Sayer's. And they will owe their new found style to you. A day may be named after you. You could be on a stamp. A made for T.V movie could be made. "The Woman who yelled 'Skort'.; the Mari story". and the list goes on and on. But you'll never know until you head to Striders (www.stridersrunning.com) and get a pair. Tell them Brad sent you.

Undies rash!

Hey Brad!
I am having riding problems with my undies, what kind should I wear to avoid this rashy predicament?

Derek - Kaysville,UT

Undies are something that must be chosen wisely. First of all, I am going to just assume you are wearing boys under wear. If not, do, and problem solved.
Have you also considered that it may not be the undies fault, but your lack of buttocks that may be the issue. This can be helped though. I have no butt either, so rest assured that life can still be great.
Now, if you are a wearer of briefs, you are on your own. I don't think I've worn briefs since 4th grade. I'm a boxer man myself. But it doesn't end there. All boxers are not created equal. I am very picky when it comes to this arena.
My preference is Calvin Klein. In Boxers that is. The fabric is the perfect thickness, the waste band, oh so nice, and the fit is intriguing, yet comfortable and familiar. Ralph Lauren boxers of the 2008 year have also made me smile. The last Polo boxers I got were in 2006. The fit was okay, but not like Calvin Klein's. The fabric was knit too tightly, as far as I was concerned. Tommy Hilfiger boxers are pretty good, but it's their boxer briefs that have captured my heart. But all in all, Is till prefer boxers, way over boxer briefs. No ride, nice fit, relaxed vibe, and no rash.
Nautica is okay, but I don't I will travel that road again. I save them for days I feel like having a crappy day.
Boxers are like High Thread count sheets. Once you've got higher, you just can't come back down. I used to wear Eddie Bauer, and The Gap, but now, they feel like 25 thread count sheets. If you want to play the game, you have to be all in. If not, your life will be miserable forever more.
Button, or no button on the fly is personal preference. It is the fit and fabric that you have to be sold on.
The last item is design, color and pattern. Though it will do nothing for the rash, it will help you feel like a million bucks. You're not a kid anymore son, leave the cartoon characters on your nephews roos. Are you ready to take the step? The step that will lead you into the arena where fashion and comfort meet, "I'm one bad dude, and comfortable too"? Take the step.

p.s. You can also try baby powder. It will keep you dry and rash free as well. It worked wonders for our babies.

"Housekeeping!"

Brad,

I've got a problem. I'm sitting here in my hotel room in Ohio. I just raced an 8k this morning and my flight doesn't leave until 5:20pm. We're leaving the hotel at 3:30, in a couple hours to go to the airport. The usual check-out time is noon, I think, so the problem comes as I keep getting Room Service knocks at my door expecting me to be gone! The first couple times it was fine and they were apologetic, but now I think they are getting annoyed as I continue to answer their knocks. Should I continue to answer their knocks or just let them come in and discover that I'm still here?

Lindsey - Ogden, UT

Could it be that you secretly want them walking in over and over? Perhaps you were lonely and this brief encounter made you feel better. Much like people that call for time and temperature over and over just to hear a voice other than their own.
If it is loneliness that is keeping you answering the door over and over I suggest either bringing a friend or calling someone from time to time. Heck, you can even try your best to meet some friends. Though I know these short relationships may be a bit superficial, it will still help with your problem.
Another thing you could do is yell something like: "I'm in here!!!" as loudly as you can. Use a low voice that is slightly raspy. Throw in any of your proffered profanities for emphasis if you'd really like them to get the point. Add them as the knocking continues.
But then again, the easiest thing to do would be put the "Do not disturb" sign on your door. I do that anytime I go on business just to keep anyone from coming in when I am gone. I'd hate to come back and see that my socks had been rummaged through. Try it, it may work magic!

Random advice!

1. If you are ever running a race, playing in a basketball game, soccer game...but still especially a race, triple tie your shoes. Don't be that ding bat that people have to say: "Hey, you're shoe's untied."
There are enough things in races that can slow you down. don't let it be something you can control. It is far better to have to use a fork to untie your shoes than to run slower because you're shoe laces are whipping to and fro, or need to stop mid-race to tie them.

2. If someone says: "Yuck, this stinks so badly." Trust them. You don't need to smell it confirm the stunkedness (My own word) of what they are smelling. Have you ever been glad you did? NO! So don't do it. No one likes smelling stinky things. You know it's going to smell, so don't do it. I repeat, Don't do it!

3. Don't waste your money on Pseudo-Science. You know that unbelievable cure for whatever ales you? It's probably just that, unbelievable. Ever wonder why this amazing cure must be sold on late night infomercials, through a Multi-level; market, or out of a magazine? Probably because it's BS! If you ever have a question check www.quackwatch.com
Don't be that sucker at the next family party that everyone is talking about because you ate "Viper Minerals XTS" for lunch instead of actual food, or you are wearing a hat with magnets in it. Now take it from a true cyber-friend...don't be a sucker!

4. When you are mad, don't hit things in anger. It won't make you feel better, and typically you end up hurting yourself and thinking: "Why in the Sam hill did I slap my duggum hand on that there table?" Seriously, has it ever helped ANY problem? I truly doubt it. You know you will end up regretting it, so don't do it.
You'll just feel sheepish when, for the next 10 days, when people ask why your hand is bandaged you have to say: "I hit a wall because I was mad." They will be left thinking: "What'd ya do that for?"

Who'd win?

Hey Brad, Now here is the scenario, Batman, one day, was out fighting crime in his usual dark way, and saw the beautiful, redheaded Mary Jane and instantly fell deeply in love with her. Spiderman noticed this and became enraged with jealousy. He got a little physical with Batman and the fight began. What do you think the outcome would be? Who do I cheer for? And if you don't mind, I would appreciate a detailed description of the fight.



Joe-Fruit Heights

It's always nice to see dudes fighting over girls. I never did it, but it looked like a lot of fun. I was much more of a lover than a fighter. I prefer to swell my lips through kisses, not fists.

But let's look at the outcome. Batman is walking down the street when he sees a hot babe. He thinks to his bat self: "That gal with redish hair is one fine lady. I think I shall bring my bat body over there to say 'hi'." Now, across the way is a man in tights, who goes by the name of Spiderman is looking down upon this exchange of pleasantries between his girlie, and his Bat buddy, known to as Batman.
Spider man has a pretty bad temper. It was first noticed when he was shorted some change at Big 5, and he webbed the section of the store where the low end Weight machines sit. It was a "webby" mess. The manager had to come out to settle down Spiderman, but Spider man, using his Spider like abilities, had climbed to the ceiling of the store. The manager looked around for 2 or 3 minutes before giving up and going back to his small office that sits in the southwest corner of the warehouse. After the manager, named Skip, by the way, had left, Spidey jumped down and webbed the crap out of the vending machines near the exit. He did it all out of spite too.
Spiderman, mad about Batty getting all up in his love grill swung over to Batman and said: "'Sup fool?"
Batman, looking some what surprised answered: "Nuttin'?"
"Nuttin'?" Spider man questioned. "What kind of Bat does nuttin'?"
""Well, to be honest I'm not a bat." Batman clarified. "I'm just a guy who wears this bat costume. Well, it's not a bat costume, per se', but it's an outfit to make people think I'm part bat, part man. I have no magical powers. It's just a human who is being exceptional if you get my gig."
"Oh so now you are all 'I'm a normal man not a creepy bat'." Spider man replied using a girlie voice when acting as if he is quoting the Batman. "You think you're better than me punk?"
"No sir!" Batman politely replied, and turned and grinned at his new love.
No sooner had Batty turned his head and he was hit in his fake Bat Ears with a wad of web. It knocked him slightly to the right, causing him to nearly lose his balance and step in some chewed gum that some inconsiderate person had spat to the road earlier. It wasn't long ago enough to harden so Batman was lucky that his Bat feet steered clear.
"Whatcha do that for Spider man?" Batman asked, again in a surprised manner.
Without replying Spiderman webbed more web at Batman. But Batman was ready. He whipped out his Bat-Baton and blocked the flying wad of web. He shouted back. "My suit is rubber, your webs are like glue. I bounced it off of my Bat-Baton and it's sticking to your stupid mask made of cloth."
Spidey tried to climb the wall, but Batman was too clever and too strong for the man in tights. He deployed his Batman zip line and shot to the top, way ahead of Spiderman. By the time Spidey hit the roof Batman was there with a milkshake made from Whoop tushy. He sure let that Spider guy have it. Spiderman was like: "Wha' happened?"
He tried with all of his Spider might to turn to the fight in his favor, but this Bat of a man was too much for him. By the time the smoke, webs, and dust had settled Spider man was lying on his back making funny noises. They were so strange that I can not even begin to describe them in type.
So to answer your question, and to give you some advice. Cheer for Batman. He is my favorite of the super heroes for one reason...he has no super natural powers. He is the common man. He didn't need to gain special powers to become great. We can all relate to him much better than any Super or Spider man. We all have a little Batman inside of us. All you need is a reason, and you too can be great. Forget being bitten by a Spider. Forget coming from another planet. All you need is hard work, and courage to be great! Nothing more. Of course, a Bat mobile would be helpful! And that sweet Baterang.

COMMENTS?

The Greatness of Girls!

Dear Brad, Some of us girls have a problem. We know that we are incredibly strong and tough, not to mention good looking and fast. What could possibly be our problem??? Well, we are afraid that we are intimidating the boys. How do we let them know that beneath all of our awesomeness we are just ordinary girls?



~ KT, Meg, M, and Jewels (Davis County...where all the awesome girls are from!)

Ladies! Ladies! Calm down. First you have to realize a few things. Intimidating boys is just fine. Never let them think that you aren't all of those great qualities. See, Boys are idiots. Yep, pure, stone cold, head to toe, idiots. And when it comes to the opposite sex it gets even worse.
You are not ordinary girls. You are Cross Country runners! Not only that, but you are really good Cross Country runners. From what I hear in the hallways you guys are pretty good lookin' too. And all of this while the other teams are ugly...and presumably taking last. These boys of which you talk are more awe struck than anything else. How do they speak to such running goddesses?
It's like my Uncle Kenneth used to say. "I am diabetic, but that in no way means I can't sneak myself a snicker-doodle once and again." It wasn't a very good saying, as far as this goes, but it is still a saying. It meant that even though he is diabetic, sometimes he can eat snicker-doodles. I hope I cleared that up.
Maybe a saying that is more appropriate would be: "Boys know they are going to screw any relationship up, so sometimes it's better to watch thy beauty than let thy beauty hate thee." I wish with all of my heart someone had once said that. It would have been fitting for this section of advice.
My main advice is; who cares what these boys think? If they are intimidated by you guys than they are not man enough to have you. Stay strong, and cower to no one. Keep being awesome, and one day you will be able to find a fellow, who will most assuredly be a runner, who can handle every bit of the amazing, tough, awesomeness that you all possess. You are lucky you have coaches that have taught you to be so cool!

No Funny Money!

During these turbulent economic times I was wondering where I should put my money. Should I diversify and put my money in the mattress as well as buried in the back yard? Anyway, I would appreciate any advice that you could offer.


--David _ Bakersfield, CA

Yes, diversification is what you should do. But why just stop with the mattress and a hole? Also, let's look at your options and see what is best. I don't want you to be a Money Dummy, as I like to say to people who are financial idiots. Keep your Money you dummy, and let that money make life funny. But not funny as in: "Ha ha you lost all of your money." More of a "Ha ha, I have so much money that I can buy Chinese Finger traps, and 'Whoopee cushions' to play gags on my unsuspecting friends. Boy is this vast amount of money a hoot!"

I understand why a hole in the yard would be appealing to you. But let me tell you a story. One day, my brother Scott thought it would be a swell idea to make a time capsule. He filled several plastic baggies with mementos like pictures, notes, pennies, and such. He then put these baggies inside other baggies. He then put the baggies inside other baggies inside a metal box safe guarded by a combination lock, keeping anyone who wants those goodies inside the baggies inside of the baggies out unless they knew the combination. Then he put it in a shoe box, and buried deep, deep in the dirt. And when I say deep I'm not saying 3 inches. I mean like 8 inches. Fast forward a few years and he digs the pile of stuff up. Inside, he found that they stuff had turned to Gold. And he used that gold to buy a lot of cool stuff like "Volta tron's". Which are Trons that are powered by Volts. Oh, wait that is another story. Actually all of the stuff had withered away to a pile of slush. All of his stuff that was worth tens of cents was now worth nothing. The moral, baggies don't do crap.

I see no fault in your plan to hide money beneath your mattress. It's a solid, safe place to hide crap. The return on your money will be...let me calculate this...carry the 1...times 4 to the 5th power...nothing. But I'm sure you will be very safe once people know you hide money beneath your mattress. People respect ones private space.

Have you thought about putting some in your gym socks? You will have to be vigilant to take them out of your sock socks prior to a good washing, but that should be easy, especially if you put coins in there, as they could become uncomfortable over time. No one knows how to protect your money more than you. And the stink your bills will surely acquire will be enough to keep you from frivolous spending as the embarrassment will be enough to keep your cash put.

My last piece of advice is a long shot. Get with a Financial planner who knows what they are doing and make your money work for you. I don't mean work as in mowing your lawns, although that is a plus if the return is just as good. Not only will they know where to put it in order to protect your money, but they will help you navigate your financial future so you will always have money, that doesn't smell like stinky gym shoes mind you, for a rainy day. It is where I put my money, as so far it has been a dream come true. I know 3 good looking, Harrison Ford like fellas that can help you out. In fact, they are in your area. Let them help you!

http://www.waconsultinginc.com/

Now go ride that Bull Market David!

Stud Wonder!

Brad, I found myself in a conversation on the bus with some of my fellow teammates about you.... We were wondering, how did you become such a stud? Were you born this way? Or did you just wake up one morning and found out? Thanks!
Colin - Kaysville, UT

Hey Brad, I was just wondering how did you get to be so cool? Did you just wake up one day and BAM! you were cool, or was it a process. I need some tips so that I can be a never ending source of awesomeness too.

Cody-Kaysville, Utah

Both of these are very good questions. One day, when I was, oh, say 12 years old, I was talking on the phone to my good friend Ryan. As we talked, we got into such topics as Football, The California Angels, Sheep, and the losing of their tails after an elastic is put on it, Sand box troubles, and white synthetic leather couches. I can recall Ryan trying to figure out why some girls have long hair and some girls have short hair. We were twelve, so you can understand the head shakes, and eye rolls I was giving over the phone. I finally cut the call short when Mom told me she had made rice pudding. Mmmm, I gots to eats my rice pudding.

This conversation led to nothing about why I am such a stud. That started a few years before...I think. In fact, it never really started, I've just always been this way. why? Well, it's just how things are. So in a way I just woke and and BAM, I was a stud, but in a way it started long before that.

See, when two people love each other there is a special hug they give. And if all of the magic is right, a baby is born out of this love and magic. In my case, the magic was replaced with Stud, and Cool Dude. This may have a lot to do with why I don't believe in anything magical. I'm pure Stud and special hug.

Of course, having great friends like Corbin "The Man of Fire" Talley as your friend helps. It is much easier to be a stud if you surround yourself with people you want to be like. It's easy being a stud when you are around the type of people that make you feel good. The kind that make it easy to have fun. If you want to be a stud, then be a stud. What are the qualities you think studs posses. If it is being nice to people, then be nice to people. Being a stud is a full time job. Even after I go home at night I have to hear: "Hey Stud do you want some fajitas for dinner? ""Stud man, how 'bout you pick what we watch on T.V." "King stud-alicious can I get you anything?"Or "Stud Dad, I'm gonna be a stud too when I grow big right?"

You need to realize that you may already be a stud. You just need to know it, or like I do, tell people you are. Soon enough people started believing me. Next thing I know I was a full fledged stud, with a stud alert updates coming to me via email 6 to 12 times a day. It was a Roller coaster of sorts at first, but once I got settled in to the Stud life it has been smooth sailing, less the Stud Conventions where I have to sign autographs, take pictures, and meet and greet. And one time, at one such convention, I had to do a Power point presentation on ow "Studliness is next to Awesomeness". It is true. They are close in nature, but I did point out the subtle differences. It's true, like me, that you pour over into the other, but still, they aint the same thing, except that they both possess the uncanny ability to snap, and whistle. (Don't think that just because you snap and whistle you are there. I should just send the Power Point.)

In closing, being a stud is what you make of it. Be with the people that bring out your inner stud. You're not a stud until you realize you are. Soon enough, people will catch on, and Whamo, you are the stud you long to be.

Now go and be a stud!

COMMENTS?

I'm too sexy!

Hey Brad, I have a problem very similar to Brian’s. It is only reversed. You see all these really beautiful girls, some on the cross country team, some not, have placed me on that very same pedestal that Brian has placed his woman on. You see I try talking to them and they give me a nervous look and talk in just the sweetest hushed voice. I just know that they are more outgoing than that, maybe they are just stunned at my rugged physique, I don’t know, but I just don’t want all this awkwardness and to be able to talk to them like really good friends. What should I do?

Derek "The Gally" - Kaysville, UT

Derek my son, you are in a very tough spot. You are as Derek Zoolander would say, "Really, really, ridiculously good looking." I have seen your physique. I had been meaning to ask you if Zeus were your father. I thought maybe you and Thor-bin were brother's.
If you want to get off of this pedestal, you need to learn to fall my son. Quit flexing when you sharpen your pencil. Stop making your butt muscles pulse in and out while you use the drinking fountain. These things have been proven to drive the ladies nuts. You are not going to a gun show, so wear something other than tank tops. All that is doing is making the girlie's nervous to talk to you. You look so manly, and strong, and awesome.
Next, lay off of the Red Bull. It's given you so much energy. Like the other day when you tried to pen that metal door, but you crushed it instead. Again, it's a driver of crazy girls.
Now let's focus on the studly things you say. Instead of saying: "Excuse me, but do my muscles make me look fat?" Say: "I'm just a normal dude under all of this muscle. Wanna feel my pectorals?" Instead of: "Doggone it, this is the third shirt I've torn today by flexing." Say "Ah, this doggone shirt aint no good if it rips when these huge muscles enlarge. It's tough being tough."
Pretty soon the ladies will feel more comfortable with you. But first you need to be comfortable with yourself. If you don't love you for what you are, how can they? It is easy to tell if some one is proud of who they really are. Don't become a wimp just for the girls. Make them love the "Muscle Head" you truly are. I've given you some suggestions, but now the tough part is up to you.

Now go and flex some more.

COMMENTS?

I can't talk to her.

Hey Brad there is this girl and she's is just fine. She's on the soccer team and to me soccer chicks are among the worlds finest besides cross country runners of course. Well she's a shy girl but she is way gorgeous and I can't talk to her cause I'm afraid of being rejected or her thinking I'm weird. I mean this girl is like "wow man I'm not worthy so show mercy" beautiful. What should I do to talk to her.

Brian- Kaysville

Well Brian, you got one thing straight. Runner's are the hottest girls. I have said that my whole life. Well, maybe not my whole life, but since I started to get to know runners. And it's not just their looks. It take one fine woman to run hard, sweat, and still smile.

But soccer chicks are a close second. It's all in the soccer style my man. It's dope. I chased many a soccer chick in my day. But in the end, I fell the hardest for a runner.

Your first problem you have is that you have put her up so high on a pedestal that you don't think you can get up there. Well my son, today is the day you are going to learn to climb, or at least chop down a pedestal. She may be the most beautiful girl in the world, but she is still just a girl. Why aren't you worthy? All you've done by putting her so high on that pedestal is keep yourself from trying. It's like running dear friend. You'll never beat someone you don't think you can beat. Same goes for the lady folk. You won't end up with a girl you don't think you should end up with.

I'm going to give you a little homework. This week I need you to rent, and watch a few movies.
1: Some Kind of Wonderful. (One of my all time favorite's)
2: Dead poet's Society. ("Damn it Neil, it's Nuwanda." That was my brother and my saying when we were going after a girl. You hear it in the movie.)
3: Say anything.
4: Mystery Date.

Hopefully you can draw some inspiration. I know I drew some inspiration from these fine flicks.

Now all you need to do is talk to her. What is she interested in? Talk to her about that. Ask about soccer. Ask her about herself. People love talking about themselves whether they admit it or not. If you want a conversation to go well, just be yourself. Find out what she likes. What classes she likes, etc. It's like running in so many ways. If you want to be a good runner you have to run. It really is that simple. If you want to be able to talk to her, you have to talk to her. I am sure you will find that she is really down to Earth, and will enjoy your conversation. You don't have to get deep right off. Just say "Hi".
I would usually start off by saying "Hi". Then joking around with them a little. Before you know it their guard is down and you've got a one way ticket to "Lover Boy, USA". Just start with saying "Hello". Once you are there, the hardest part is done. You don't have to solve her problems or anything. Just talk to her.

Let's wrap this up pal, if you want to be able to talk to her, than talk to her. Let's just say it goes terribly awry, and you say something that blows it. (Of course this will not happen...trust me.) So you don't talk with her again. You're where you are now...not talking to her. But say you start talking, and everything works out great and you take her out, and take her to prom, and then get engaged, and then get married, and have 347 kids, and become a millionaire. Okay, okay I'm getting a head of myself. But the point is, NOTHING will happen if you don't talk to her. You've got nothing to lose. It's like Wayne Gretzky once said: "You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take." ( I know, if you tear it apart it doesn't make sense, but what he means is you will never score if you don't shoot.) Don't miss out on her because you never tried.
I really want to know how it goes. And bring me a picture and I'll tell you if you should go for her any way.
And here's a song for you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfHijcxit6M

Now go and speak some more.

COMMENTS?

The Cookie Dunk!

Ok Brad, I have a dilemma (first of all I can't spell, but that's a different story...). I like to have my milk and cookies for a snack every now and then, but the problem is I don't know what Kind is best! When I was a wee tot my favorite cookie hands down was the Oreo, but now that I am older and wiser I have grown more fond of the chips deluxe. I need to know which kind of cookie is the best to perfect the milk and cookie experience. Please help me.

Cody-Kaysville, Utah

Cody, you have asked about something that is very near and dear to my heart. I love cookies and milk. I love them so much I actually thought about marrying them. But find a state where that's legal.
Your dilemma is nothing new to the world of dilemmas. In fact, this dilemma was had by such greats as, President Roosevelt, Lee Iaccoca, John Bon Jovi, Edgar Allen Poe, Paul Reuben's, Brett Barrera, Art Monk, Andre the Giant, and The fast talking Micro Machine man, just to name a few. What to dip? What to dip?
Let's break them down shall we. Oreo's. Mmmmmm a very fine treat. I love them. in fact, I thought about marrying them...wait...did I already tell you that? They are truly delicious, but for me, probably the wisest person sitting in my office right now, doesn't like to dip them. They just don't have the "dipability" that other cookies have. And what's with that blackness in your teeth? It hasn't been since the Dark ages that blackness in teeth was seen as something noble, or even close to what as suitor was looking for. They are delicious, yes this is true, but they carry too much baggage to be named a favorite among favorites.
Chips Deluxe? Sure, they are a worthy opponent of the Oreo, but still fall short of the Oreo goodness found in the Oreo cookie. They are "Chippy", if you are into more chips than your sweet tooth can tolerate. They are head and shoulders over the Oreo in the dunkness department. But they're small, and don't absorb milk like I need when dipping. I need that cooking to be at one with my skim milk. They need to, nearly, dance with one another as they dip in an out of my glass. It must be as if the are serenading me as I eat.
Now I know we have look at the pros and cons of each cookie treat, but what kind of advicateer (Here's some advice: make up your own words. It's fun.)would I be if I didn't show you what a true cookie is. I am about to give you the recipe that my beautiful cookie making wife will make for me when I need a belly full of cookie. I may have you over some time to dunk a few for yourself. The one thing that the recipe does not mention is all of the love she puts into it, and not to mention how good she looks cooking them.

Brad's dunktastic cookies for dunking in dunkable skim milk.

1 cup Shortening
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup white sugar
2 eggs (Preferably chicken eggs, though Snake or gator eggs work too.)
1 tsp Vanilla
1 1/2 Cup flour
1 tsp Salt (Or less if desired.)
1 tsp Soda (Not soda pop ya ding bat.)
3 cup Rolled oats

Cream shortenings and sugars. Add eggs and Vanilla. Beat well. Sift flour, soda, and salt. Add to creamed mixture. Stir in rolled oats. Roll into small balls; place on cookie sheet, and flatten with a glass. Bake at 350 degrees for about 8 to 10 minutes, or until lightly brown.

Try these with skim milk and your dunking questions will subside. My preference is 5 to 6 cookies, and more and you will be a fat, fat man. Good thing you are a trim runner. You could use a few cookies.
Please let me know how it goes.

As for spelling; you did just fine. Yu r a gud spelr. Dont let peeple tel yu yur not a gud spelr. if thay do thay ar dum peeple who dont spel no gud.

Now go and dunk some more!

QUESTIONS?

I had a scary pee last night..

Advice needed 1500 miles away from Brad Anderson World Headquarters. I keep having a re-occurring dream that results in me wetting the bed. It involves the Smith family basement, a wooden leg, old tools, and "IT." Do you have any suggestions for overcoming such night terrors?


John H. - Indiana

The first thing you need to realize is that your cousins are pretty awesome. Every thing you saw in that basement was real. There was no acting going on down there. Just be happy that Wade has to deal with it now. There is still an old lady in the closet at the end of the hall. She is still in that wheelchair, and that old man in Grandpa's overalls still lives beneath the stairs. The only reason we never were scared is because we befriended them. We gave them Peanut M & M's from the upstairs closet, "Honey Smacks" from the cereal cupboard, and Tab from the down stairs storage room. We also, from time to time, heated them up a Totino's pizza from the big freezer in the laundry room.
Where you need to find solace is in the fact that you are now miles away. It will take that old lady months to wheel her self to your house. In her age, I doubt she would be able to find it anyway. And un-less Wade told her, she doesn't even know where you live.
Now the guy with the wooden leg is a different story. He has a car. He could get there in a few days. But relax, he (His name's Roger by the way) found a job at "Harts", and he'd rather help fill a "Big Dipper" than kill little kids. Last time I saw him he said: "Sure killing people in Ralph and Mabel's basement was fun. I've got a lot of good memories there. The screaming, the crying, you name it. But I've moved on. That killing just didn't pay the bills like I had hoped."
See John, you have no reason to be scared. The bed wetting is actually just a bladder problem. Make sure you go potty before bed time. Lay off of the "Big Dipper's" at night. And if your body tells you it's pee pee time, then you better listen to it and go to the potty.

What to say?

Brad-

I like to think that I am somewhat beautiful, but when I am around the fairer sex, I am at a loss for words. I might say something wrong, something stupid or something offensive without even knowing it. What should I do about this dilemma?



Joe-Fruit Heights

Well friend, first I must say that Somewhat Beautiful does not cut it. A work of art is more like it. So you are good to go in that department.
You need to realize a few things before we go any further. Though girls are the fairer sex, they will chew you up and spit you out faster than you can say: "Advice please!" Try as you might, but brother, they are like a mine field. I've lost many "limbs of love" walking, carefully at times, through the battlefield we call love. If the fairer sex weren't so wonderful I would tell you to run away as fast as possible.
As far as being at a loss of words...well, I would enjoy that. Nothing is better than being in the presence of a girl so beautiful you can't say anything. It happens to me every time I come home from work. (If my wife's home. If she's not then I have all kinds of things to say like: "Anyone home?" or "Where is everyone?") When you finally pick your jaw up off of the ground, just ask about what's going on. Act like it's your friend. How do you talk to a girl you know really well?
The other problem you might be having is you are trying to hard. You don't need to think about what to say. Just be yourself. You're a cool guy. (And if I think you're cool, you are on the right track. I said the phone was cool, and look where it is now.) If I had learned that earlier I wouldn't have waited until I was 7 to start kissing Valerie Nichols. I would have started at 6, for sure. Be yourself and suave things like: "Hey ladies!", "Any up for a little Joe tonight?", or "Toot toot, all aboard the Joe train. Next stop Love Land!" You know, things chicks dig!
I don't think I could count how many people, when they got older, thought: "You know, I would have had such better luck if I had just been myself." If you spend too much time trying to be what you THINK they want, you'll end up waving as she sails off on her honeymoon cruise. (You're waving because she married some other dude...if you didn't catch that the first time.)
It's true that you should realize that you are not in the guys locker room when you talk with girls. But it shouldn't be too much work. But if you try to b something you are not you won't be happy anyway. I suggest being yourself, and find a fair young maiden who likes you for you. Life is hard enough. It's a lot easier getting through it as yourself.
In closing, we all end up saying stupid things. I said my fair share. Laugh it off. Most girls like a guy who can laugh at his self. Remember, you remember the embarrassing moments more than other people. In fact, give it a week and you are the only person who will ever think about it again. I know it's a lot easier to look back and say: "Man I was dumb." So take some advice from someone who has been there, and done stupid things. Don't waste your time being what you are not. Let the ladies love Joe! (Not that other guy.)
Now get out there and get some battle scars.

Your future double life!

Brad, I hate to ask the same question as Carlee... But I've been leaning towards becoming an FBI agent. It sounds pretty cool to me, kind like a real life James Bond. I know its not the same as you would see in the movies, but it still sounds pretty sweet, what do you think about this?

Logan - Kaysville, UT

I would love you being in the FBI. I will use you to spy on people for me. If someone cuts me off while driving, or yells something stupid like: "Hey put some clothes on" when I am running I will give you their license plate, and you can have them disappear if you know what I mean.
It will be great! I'll be able to speed when ever I want. When I am pulled over I will give them the secret hand shake you taught me that tells the cops "I'm with Logan".
To think of all of the cool things Corbin and I will surely be able to do is enough to make me get giddy with excitement. We'll have you sneak into Weber State and change our college records. I always wanted to be a 4.0 student.
But you being able to "Off" the people that bug me is by far the best thing about you being a secret agent.
If you want to be an agent for the FBI, I think that is great. I would do some research as to what it entails. There can be a lot of paper work. And a lot of things that are not that exciting. Jobs that are more exciting, inside of the FBI, could take you away from your family a lot. But if it is your passion, and it will make you happy, by all means, go for it. I think it could bring a lot of excitement and danger. Much more danger than I care to encounter. Any more danger than accidentally getting hot sauce in my eye opening a packet at Taco Bell keeps my adrenaline flowing.
If it is something you really want to do, start preparing now. You will go through series after series of back ground checks. Nearly everyone you know will be interviewed. But you will have nothing to worry about.

There are a few things that will knock you out, right off the bat, if you can't pass. It's good to know the minimum requirements so you know if you should even waste your time. Here they are.

You must:
*be a U.S. citizen, or a citizen of the Northern Mariana Islands.
*be at least 23 and not have reached your 37th birthday on appointment.
*be completely available for assignment anywhere in the FBI's jurisdiction.
*have uncorrected vision not worse than 20/200 (Snellen) and corrected 20/20 in one eye *and not worse than 20/40 in the other eye.
*pass a color vision test.
*meet hearing standards by audiometer test.
*possess a valid driver's license.
*be in excellent physical condition with no defects that would interfere in firearm use, raids, or defensive tactics.
*possess a four-year degree from an accredited college or university.

Even if you meet all of the above requirements, you're not home free. There are four entry programs: Law, Accounting, Language, and Diversified.

*Law: You must have a JD degree from a resident law school.
*Accounting: You must have a BS degree with a major in accounting or a related discipline, and be eligible to take the CPA examination. Candidates who have not passed the CPA exam will also be required to pass the FBI's Accounting test.
*Language: You must have a BS or BA degree in any discipline and be proficient in a language that meets the needs of the FBI. Candidates will be expected to pass a Language Proficiency Test.
*Diversified: You must have a BS or BA degree in any discipline, plus three years of full-time work experience, or an advanced degree accompanied by two years of full-time work experience.

If you can pass these, then we are on our way to becoming the coolest dudes around. You'll be cool since you'll be an agent, and I'll be cool since I have you get rid of people for me.

COMMENTS?

Toothpaste hysteria!

Brad-

There are two different kinds of toothpaste. One has a whitening agent and the other has cavity protection. I want my teeth to be white, but I don't want cavities either! Which toothpaste should I use?



Pete - Kaysville, UT


This is easy. Use both. Is brushing twice really going to kill you? In fact, I would suggest that you may need to brush more often. The junk in your teeth is visible from space. You may need bailing twine for floss, and that stuff looks too strong for your typical dental floss. If you are going out on a hot date, where you will be anywhere near neon lights, I would suggest staying away from any whitening of your teeth. If they are too white your mouth will light up like a rocket booster powering a space shuttle. Unless your date works for NASA, I doubt they'll be impressed.
And are cavities really all that bad? Lose a few teeth and your parents will have no choice but to get you some gold caps. They may even go so far as to get you "Grills". There is no better way for someone who goes to a school like Davis to get some street cred, than getting grills. You can start listening to more Urban music, and get a name like "MC Pete", "Fly P", or even "Pete with Grills who likes rappin'. " All three sound dope to me. Of course you'll have to start saying things like: "A'ight", "Word" "'sup foo' ?" , and "illin'". But with your new look, I'm sure the rest is just details.
Or, you can realize you are being attack by a marketing crew who gets paid the big bucks and sit in an air conditioned room thinking of ways to sell you stuff, while using words like "All Natural", "Anti-Oxidants", "Organic","Ancient Secret", "New", "3 out 4 Doctors", "Alternative", "Boosts (Something or other)", and "Money back Guarantee". When it comes to something like toothpaste, you aren't going to have a whole lot of difference.
Any product that has "Big Claims" should be looked at with a lot of skeptically. Look for "Buzz words", like "All Natural", etc. Don't fall for claims because they seem so great. I could go on and on, but will wait until future questions about crap like "Wheat Grass juice", or "Noni Juice".
If you ever have a question look at : http://www.quackwatch.com/

Growing up is hard to do.

Brad-

My parents keep telling me I need to start thinking of what I want to study in college. I have no idea! They say if I don't think up something soon, I will become a Wal Mart greeter (no offense to Wal Mart greeters) and will end up with 27 cats on the side of a road, or worse, living at home. Do you have any suggestions?



Carlee - Kaysville, UT

Don't fret! Your parents are just making sure you are prepared or the future. Always remember, no matter how much your parents bug you, they are bugging you because they want you to be happy.
As far as deciding what to study, I have some thoughts on it. I would suggest being an A-list actress if I were you. The pay is great, and you get a lot of free stuff. You will move to California with all of the other beautiful people, and drive a Bentley. In every interview you will mention Talley and me, and fight back the tears as you tell about the day, with my help, you decided to act. If acting isn't your thing, try growing really tall and playing in the WNBA. Sure, the pay isn't the same, but you get to play a game for a job.
When my acting career didn't take off after not making any movies, or even trying to get in the business I decided school might be my only hope. The best choice you can make is just deciding to go. Once you have decided to go to college, you are already on a road to success...though maybe not the money that acting could have brought in.
Next you need to realize you will probably change your mind on what you want to study, a hundred times. I went from Teaching, to Physical Therapy, to Occupational Therapy, Business, back to teaching, and out not long after. Good thing I had my Awesomeness to fall back on. It's helped me through some tough times, when my Radical Coolness was in a rut.
As you take classes you will find new things that interest you, as well as fit your strong qualities. It's a fun journey.
I would suggest, if you are just testing out the waters with any major, pick something that the classes, if you change your mind, can easily be used for something else. No use taking 10 History of Pottery and Bowl functionalities classes if you don't know if you REALLY want to do pottery. Outside of Generals, those classes won't help you become a Neuro-Surgeon. Focus on your generals until you have a good idea of where you want to take things.
Secondly; what type of things do you like doing? Do you want to be in the business world, or does teaching interest you? Is Nursing something that you would like? If so, go towards that. If you change your mind, that is fine, but at least you didn't spend 2 years taking classes that are not required just because you felt like you needed to pick a major right off.
I may be wrong, but I assume your parents don't really think you should decide your major right now. They probably just want you to start thinking about it, so when the time comes you're not lost and wondering what you should do. You are already ahead of the game since your parents care so much about you. Don't let it bug you. Just read between the lines. They're not saying: "Decide right now." They're saying: "It will be a big help to you if you've at least thought about it before you have to start taking classes."
Of course, if they REALLY cared about you they would have invested in acting lessons, so you could buy them a million dollar home and let them retire.
In closing, I think you would make a great Wal-Mart greeter. I'd skip the cats though. As for living at home, well, it's got it's perks, but it's kind of a drag when you start getting serious with guys.

Beauty Woes!

Brad I was just wondering why some people like me that are so beautiful, must look at people who are obviously not as good looking as I. I mean they get to look at me and, my eyes my poor eyes are stuck looking at crap. Why?

Corbin - Layton, UT

Oh, the age old question: "Why must thou look upon ugly people when thy face is so beautiful?" This isn't as simple as one would first think. Many would simply say: "Well then don't look at them." But this issue is much more complex.
I remember the day I found out I was beautiful. I was walking down Front street in my home town. I wore my Tuff skin jeans, and blue "Roo" shoes, with their too small to fit jack crap, less a quarter, pouch on their side. I had a wad of Big League chew bubble gum, getting worked over by my teeth filling my mouth from cheek to cheek. I remember walking past the dance studio which is on the bottom floor of my towns only "slum apartments". When I walked past the window, all of the girls who were there dancing ran to the window. They were smiling, and winking at me as I passed. I can still see, in my mind, one girl who was at least 2 years older than I, mouth the words: Call me". I was confused about what all of the "Hubba baloo" was about until I walked past L & R Variety.
I was stopped dead in my tracks by what I saw in the reflection of that big picture window. It took my eyes a couple of seconds to focus in on what was reflecting back at me. First I could see the hazel eyes meant for a Greek God. Then I could see the beautiful blonde hair, that looked like it belonged on the head of Fred from Scooby Doo. Next I noticed the Golden brown tanned face staring back at me. After 10 to 15 seconds of staring at this beautiful reflection I realized that reflection was mine. My over sized wad of Bubble Gum nearly fell to the sidewalk as I could barely keep my mouth from popping open. It was then that I , as a mere 6 or 7 year old knew I was beautiful.
With a new bit of bounce in my step, I walked back past the Dance Studio. This time, I knew I had sparkle in my eyes. Everyone was back to the window, staring, winking, yearning, longing. I admit a few mugs weren't as easy on my eyes and I would hope. And first I wanted to turn away in hopes of preserving that sparkle I have. But then it hit me. My calling was to show the World what beauty is.
Corbin, I know it is hard to have people looking, staring, drooling, and breathing hard when you walk by. But you are that picture window that they long to look at. But you are no reflection. You are the face, that person, that soul that they long for.
My advice to you? Accept your calling. Know that this is your destiny. If you weren't suppose to be that beacon of beauty, than evolution would have stopped those beautiful genes in their tracks. You are the reason. You are the light. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
Now go and grin some more.

COMMENTS?

Pimp Pains!

Brad, I heard all the way in Hawaii that you had the coolest blog in the world!!
I was just wondering (because I know you know what it's like) how to deal with the reality of being a pimp for life? It's rough for me, you know?
Hope your doing awesome, thanks for always making everyone laugh and smile.
Aloha,

Ryan - Hawaii, USA

Oh my young apprentice, I feel your pain. It is hard feeling the pressure that society has put on you to be such an amazing individual, especially among the lady type. My advice may come as no surprise to you. In fact, it may be what you would have written if our pimpin' roles were reversed. My advice to you is; Do yo' thang!
Just do what you do best. If it is cool, as it obviously is, it will be cool. There is nothing you can do about it. If you try to be cool, or a pimp in our case, it doesn't take long for folks to see right through your Pimpin' facade. Your life is too short to get hung up on doing what you think other people want you to do. It also takes too much energy.
Some of the coolest people I know were cool, not because they were your stereotypical cool guy, but because they were who they were with no apologies. It was their quirks that made them who they are. It made them unique. They didn't try to be unique, they were just them selves.
So you may have been blessed with the curse of being a pimp. (To all other's reading: I am using Pimp as a slang term , not as an actual pimp who prostitutes women. I mean it as a total stud, who gets the ladies...if you know what I mean.)
Now what? Be that pimp as well as you can be it. Be that pimp the best way you know how. And that should be easy. It's easy to be yourself. It's trying to be what you're not that throws a kink into everything.
I know it is tough try to handle all of the ladies. You have to understand this is your 'cross to bear'. For every one person you look at and say: "I wish I were them." There are 10 - 2o people looking at you saying : "I wish I were him...in all his pimpin' glory, great looks, chiseled physique, shiny shoes, curled lip, bulging muscles, fine tap dancing skills, whistling prowess, brains of an intellect, heart of a lion, and hands of a lover."
Let me roll this into an easy ball to understand: Be yourself. You'll be happier. People will like you more. It's easier than being someone you are not. People will see through your fake identity anyway.
Now go and Pimp some more!

ps I'm keeping an eye on our young pimp Jason. He's coming a long quite well. You'd be proud! I know I am.

Comments!

Answering a date.

I need to answer my date for the homecoming dance. How should I do it? By the way. He has long hair.
Lindsy - Kaysville ,UT

Easy, cut his hair off when he is asleep and spell the words "Yes" on his Kitchen table out of his long locks. At first he will be mad, but when he sees it on his table, next to his "Loopy O's", he will get a good laugh. And he'll get his hair back.
Or you can kidnap his family pet, shave "Yes" into it's fur, or maybe never give it back, and say it's what he owes you for going out with him. You have a new, free pet, and he gets to go out with the girl of his dreams.
If these ideas don't tickle your fancy, I would suggest doing something that you have never heard of being done. The element of surprise works best. Scaring him is what I would try. Something late at night. Get his family involved. Find out his fears, whether it be ghosts, or social situations. By answering him in a non-traditional way, this will show him how excited you are, and that you really put some time into it.
I once heard of someone writing "Yes" on a grain of rice, and putting it in a mason jar full of rice. But is this the kind of torture you want too put your "Knight in shining armor" through?
I would try to think of surprising him, somewhere he would not expect to be surprised. A little brain storming session with your friends, or coaches could produce some amazing results. But before this session of storming brains, I suggest doing your homework, on his fears, where he goes, and how you could surprise him. Then let the "Brain Trust", I mean, your group of friends help you plan the attack. I look forward to find out what happens.

COMMENTS?

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What do I condemn in my paper.

I wanted to try this out. I have to write a sermon condemning something to hell. what should I do it on?
Jason - Kaysville, UT

Hello Jason, if you have anything that has to do with Hell you came to the right person as many people think I'm already going there. Even though I don't believe in a physical hell I will help you out.
At first thought, some people would think of condemning things like getting kicked in the gut by a mule. But see, the mule probably did it in self defense. And that same belly kicking mule, doesn't really understand what empathy is. It's like my Granddad may have said: "A mule kicks, and a mule don't care." And come on Jason, does a mule really belong in hell?
I suggest if you are condemning something to hell, and you want to be intellectually honest about the whole thing I would condemn something that you feel has no worth to society. From what I've been told about hell, it aint a good place to end up. So condemning things like "Chinese Finger traps", or bent Slinky's there is a bad choice.
Before I go on, we need to determine something. Do you want your condemnation to be funny? If that is the case, the more simple the thing being damned, the better. Damning something like small Dixie cups is a good example. Not only are they made of paper, they are also only 6 oz. And who ever drinks just 6 oz ? I mean, we're not talking about tequila shots are we? Even then, the 6 oz cup would be too large. And even then, it's still not glass...it's wax paper for goodness sake. Here you have damned something, that A: No one else will probably think of. And B: They are stupid, and laughable not worthy of eternal damnation.
Now if you want a serious answer, I suggest Cats. Let's be honest, we all hate cats. They're sneaky, and the scratch you. Ever had a little kitten tossed at you bare back? If not, do it, and you will see what all of this Cat damnation I speak of is about. The little bugger will claw the heck out of your back, leaving you with a series of long, bloody claw marks left by a small beast that seemed to be trying to claw you kidney out for dinner.
In closing; if you want to be funny, make it something very, very simple. If you want it to be serious, truly think of something you don't think belongs on this earth. Look at it from all angles. For me; I'd go with the funny approach. But act like you are being totally serious. That will make or break it. I hope to hear how it goes.
Now go and sin no more.

COMMENTS?

Chased by children.

What do I do about young Africa children who chase me when I run? At first it was fun, they then start to mock you, and call you Kaneniza (famous Ethiopian runner) One little boy even whipped me with his cow whip. What can I do?

-"Chased in Ethiopia" Ben - Ethiopia by way of Morgan, UT

This one is pretty easy, as far as I am concerned. Just run faster! I would think a runner of your ability and age could out run little kids. Are you sure you weren't "jogging"? If you are being called Bekele, I would take that as a compliment as he is one of the most amazing runners to trot down a road on this earth. Your problem may be that you are feeling pressure to be great. Well my son, this is all in your hands. You can blame other people for putting pressure on you, or you can see it for what it really is; they believe in you. If these little Ethiopians didn't think you could run fast, they wouldn't run after you. (They'd walk.)
Would you rather they call you: "Stupid fat white dude who has no chance of beating an Ethiopian" instead? You need to look at the mocking as them saying they love you. I chase people I love all of the time. Sure, they are ALWAYS good looking chicks, and they don't want me following them, and they try to run away really fast, and I end up getting a restraining order against me, but that can't stop my love.
As far as the cow whip goes, I would do one of two things. First thing would be grabbing the whip as it was whipped towards me, wrestle it from his hand and either a: toss it away, or B: whip the little sucker back and say: "Take that you cow whipper". My second thing would be to turn to them, and act like a you are "The great white God", and scare them by saying you are going to have their cow's milk go dry, or keep it from raining in Ethiopia. That should do it.
Good luck! I am sure you will be running "Kid Chased" free in no time. If these things fail, come back to America where no one cares about you, and have better things to do other than chase you when you run.

How do I beat him?

"Please help me. So far your advice has been concerning teenagers dealing with teen problems. I'm 60 years old. Can you help me with my problems? They include: where can I get Depends on sale? Is AARP insurance a good buy? Why don't they have Senior Citizen parking spots reserved at Cross Country meet sites? Can a 60-year old man defeat a much younger Morgan "flash" in a 5,000 meter race?"

Old Man - Clearfield, UT

Well Old man, I am happy you wrote. Depends on sale? Try Smith's. AARP? It's okay if you're not a smoker, or someone who does Meth. Senior parking at XC meets? Well, this is simple. We runners know you older folks need a good jog...or at least a walk. So get your lazy butt out of the car and walk for heaven's sake.
Your last question is a really good one. But, I'm sorry to say the answer may not be what you want to hear. Sir, this can not be done. "The Flash" of which you speak is an amazing person that has the "Eye of the tiger". Though I have heard tales of you beating this spry prince in the past, I doubt this will happen again. I know this may be hard to hear, but it's just the truth. My advice? Get yourself a 64 ounce Mtn Dew, and see how much your wholesale Depends can hold before you spring a leak.

Good advice!

If you are wondering: "Should I really ask this guy I may or may not trust for his advice? "

The answer is quite simple. Yes you should. Why? Because I have good advice. How do I know? Because once I thought. "Hmmm, what should I do about (This has happened on several occasions.)?"
Then I gave my self good advice, and it helped out a little. So if my advice is good enough for me, it is really good for you.

Singing to Chicks.

"I'm thinking of getting some lady folk. What would be the best song to sing to her?"
Seth - Kaysville, UT

First we need to figure some things out. Can you sing? If not, keep your yapper shut. If you can, why do you want to sing to her? To really make her swoon? If so, I would try: "Feel like Makin' love", "You gots my heart all melty and such", "You are cuter than the last girl I courted", or "I didn't know that was your sister."

Or write one about her. I suggest not being too serious. A little humor goes a long way, especially if you don't have the voice of, say, Harry Connick Jr.

Good luck my little song bird!

Comments?

Random Advice.

Here's some good advice: Don't use your bare hand to test if something is hot. Try and ice cube. If it melts, it's hot.

Good advice #2: If you have sore throat, quit gulping to see if it is still sore. It probably is you idiot. Sore throats don't go away in 10 to 20 seconds.

Good advice #3: If you are talking to someone you don't like do not say "We should do something sometime" just to be nice. They may take you up on it, and you be stuck hanging out with some jerk you hate. And it will be your fault. So don't be stupid. If you don't mean it, don't say it.

Comments?

"Jokes about girls"

"Brad, I know this boy that keeps telling jokes about women. How do I let him know it is a turn off with out hurting his feelings?"
Rachel - Kaysville, UT

I have seen this problem many times. Some boys think this is funny. I liken it to a little kid pulling a girl he likes hair out at recess. It's not the most productive way to get a bride.

My advice to you is to tell him what you think, but in a joking way. Like: "You know Bartholomew, if you keep telling jokes like that you're never getting married." Or "Mitchell, are these jokes suppose to make me want to make out with you? You know they have more of the effect of making me want to kick you in the face"

If the boy is not a complete idiot, he will get the clue. If he doesn't, he is obviously not a guy you should be going after. Women deserve more than that.

Comments?

"What about dating?

"Hey Brad, I was wondering about dating. What type of dates do you recommend?"
Chelsea Kaysville, UT

Well Chelsea, I'm glad you asked. The best advice I have is that you do something where you get to interact with your date. It is always nice to be original, but don't let that add any stress to your dating experience. Do something that allows you and your date to get to know each other. I suggest not doing something that is too competitive, even though a good competition is always fun.
One of the funnest dates I ever went on was playing with Dart Guns at Temple Square. (We have also played Hide and go seek during the lights. Each player must keep moving. All the Seeker must do is see the Hider. There is no running. It is a lot harder than you would think when it is full of Holy light lookers.) We of course were kicked off eventually. So we went "Pool Hopping" at the Local Hotel. The dates where we just went out and did some fun, cheap stuff were the most fun.

If you use a little imagination, the possibilities are endless. Just make sure you are going out with someone that you like to be with as much as you like looking at them. Even though I enjoy looking at a lovely lady, it gets old after a few hours.

Keep it fun, and keep it relaxed. No use spending a whole lot of money, as you will probably be moved on to a new "Hottie" before your check clears. Just make sure you get time to interact.

Comments?